Remake Buster Keaton's The General, Starring Vince Vaughn

So I was thinking recently about how many silent movies there are.

It seems like the only thing that could make them better would be to go back and add sound!

They go back and colour old black and white movies to make them look cooler, so why haven’t they dubbed over silent movies yet?

I know! It’s CRAZY!!!

I think there must be some kind of technology preventing us from doing that, so I came up with a solution that will do those crusty old movies justice: remake them!!!

I think we should start with Buster Keaton’s The General.

And who better to play Buster Keaton than Vince Vaughn?!

So here’s my badass treatment for:

Buster Keaton’s The General: Sultan’s Shindig

Ok, so Vince Vaughn is Buster Keaton and plays this general. But the Civil War was too long ago, and most people don’t know it happened anymore, so he’s a general in the Iraq war against terrorists, because people relate to that now and it’s in the news.

So he’s like all depressed and stuff because he was dating this girl in the army, only he has to keep it a secret, because that shit is TOTALLY illegal. He has like hidden pictures of her in his boots that he looks at sometimes, and the audience is like “That’s so sad.”

(chicks dig heart-string movies, so we can show some of this in the trailer and BAM, women will totally flock to this movie like ants on rice!)

So we see that he’s like a drunkard and stuff, and his best friend, who is also a general and also Owen Wilson is like “dude, she’s dead. You gotta get over it.” And Vince Vaughn is like “how?” And then we’re totally going to see how.

Owen Wilson secretly makes plans and takes him on this secret best friend cheer up bachelor party mission into this secret city that’s called the Sultan’s Sin City, and it’s like all talked about in the military base and forbidden to go to and stuff.

Anyway, they get there and you’d better hang onto your pork pie hat buster, because here comes the comedy pie! First, there’s this girl, who’s really pretty, and the best friend, still played by Owen Wilson, convinces the Sultan who owns the bar to make her give Vince Vaughn a lapdance for free. So Owen goes to Vince and he’s like “I’ve got a surprise for you.” And Vince looks at the pretty girl, and she looks back, and then she steps aside, and there’s this huge fat ugly Iraq stripper girl just behind who smiles at him. The music “My Humps” by Gwen Stefani plays and Owen and Vince are all like stutter-city, and she runs over and jumps on Vince Vaughn’s lap, which breaks the chair he’s sitting in (the audience will totally laugh at this so hard because she’s fat and she broke a chair AND she’s trying to be sexy!)

Then the air raid sirens go off and the army is all like storming the city, and Owen Wilson and all the other guys bail, but Vince Vaughn is stuck under the fat stripper (remember, from earlier?! Hilarious!)

So then the army all comes in, and the stripper has fallen asleep because she’s used up too much energy squirming around, and Vince Vaughn hides under her (Ironic!).

Then the army leaves and he’s like “oh my god, I’m stuck here,” and he wedges himself out from under the fat stripper with the help of A TALKING MONKEY!!! (important note: real monkeys can’t talk, so we’ll have to call in the CGI team or something)

And the monkey takes him all through the city and it’s weird, because this monkey is really smart (Ironic because monkeys AREN’T smart!).

There’s this awesome montage of them getting into all kinds of hilarious buddy pranks like spray painting things and egging Iraq houses (Go America!) and throwing firecrackers ( which freak people out because firecrackers sound like guns, so it’s a good prank).

Then Vince Vaughn is like “Bananas McGee (the full name of the monkey) we’re wasting time! I have a job to do for my country.”

And we see a flashback to his girlfriend talking to him about what it means to be an American and stuff (It doesn’t matter what she says, but we should be sure it’s really sad and romantic and stuff so women will be like “I relate to her so much”).

Then Vince Vaughn and the monkey decide to sneak into the Sultan’s palace, but to do so, Vince has to dress up like an Iraq girl stripper, and the best scene in the movie happens:

Vince Vaughn has to dance for the Sultan, and the CGI monkey is like totally there dancing too (hilarious!), and the Sultan is enjoying it because he doesn’t know he’s not supposed to! (Americans will be like “Go America!!!” at this point)

Then Vince Vaughn dances his way sexily into the secret control room behind the Sultan’s chair and the Sultan passes out or something and Vince Vaughn is like “Oh my God! There are so many nukes!!!” (The audience will be like “oh no!”)

So Vince Vaughn calls in the army, and they come save the day like a swat team, and then Owen Wilson sees Vince Vaughn in his lady girl dress and he’s like “enjoying yourself?” and Vince talks really fastly about how he wasn’t enjoying himself and it was for America (you know the way Vince Vaughn talks really fast? Like that. That’s why we have to get him for this movie, because of this part!)

Then the monkey gives Owen Wilson a wedgie and the music kicks in, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” as the credits roll.