Profit

Let's cut the chit-chat.
Thank you.
Sorry to be blunt, but this company hired me so we could stop wasting time.
Let's get to the point.
My name's Harold Firer.
I'm a consultant.
I'm basically here so we can stop screwing around as a company and start maximizing out potential.
Our investors are demanding a lot of changes, so if you value your job, listen up.
Got your attention?
Good.
Let's get down to brass tacks.
We aren't making enough money.
We need to be making MORE money.
How are we going to do that?
I'll tell you.
Profit.
Nothing makes money faster than profit.
Profit's not just a buzzword, people.
Profit is real.
It's the most important thing a company has.
Without profit, a company doesn't exist.
We need profit.
Think about it like your blood.
You need your blood, don't you?
Well this company's blood is profit.
It takes profit to be an industry leader.
So how do we get more profit?
Four things:
Decrease overheads.
Cut unnecessary spending costs.
Drive growth.
Increase Revenue.
One. Decrease overheads. Cut the wheat from the chaff.
Maximize output. Maximize productivity.
Fire people.
Two. Cut unnecessary spending costs. Do you really need a stapler?
Really? You?
Why can't we have three staplers that everyone in the company uses?
It costs less.
Economy.
Thrift.
Profit.
Three. Drive growth. Encourage thinking outside the box.
Not daydreaming. Not surfing on youtube. Not facebooking your ex.
You think about how you can make your life better?
Start thinking about how you can make this company better.
Or get out.
Profit.
Four. Increase Revenue. Upcharge our products. Maximize their valuability, and thus, our valuability as a company.
Bring in new clients. New customers. We haven't sold any of our products to your grandmother? Why not?
Do it or get out.
These things are not just “good ideas”.
If we don't do them, we'll die. Understand? We have to start thinking the big thoughts. All of us.
Why do we have a break room? For coffee? How much does coffee cost?
Shut it down.
Bring your own coffee or get out.
No fridge. No lunch. Work. Profit. Eat it. Sleep it.
But don't sleep it at work or we'll have a little “chat” about it. And our conversation will end when you pile your stuff into a cardboard box and, you guessed it, get out.
Don't make eye contact with me. Ever.
Give me your lunch money.
Profit is what we're talking about.
I've made 19 out of 20 companies profitable in the last 9 out of 10 years.
You know how I did that?
Profit.
I don't fuck around. And from now on, neither do you.
I will end you.
Are we clear?
Do you know what I do on weekends?
I fucking take off my clothes and hunt boars with my bare hands.
I am not lying to you.
I don't even use a knife. I use my hands. And my teeth. And my muscles.
Look at my chest.
You think you can take me?
You think you can take a wild boar with your bare hands?
Shut your mouth.
Get to work.
I will kill you and claim it was self-defense.
Do you understand?
The two of you in the back there? Talking to each other?
Fired.
Get out.
Meeting adjourned.

MANDATORY meeting! 7pm! (dinner provided)

Ok everyone, settle down.
Settle down.
Ok.
Well. This is really great.
I see a lot of new faces, which is great.
Um.
I called this meeting though, because I've been getting a lot of questions recently.
A lot of the same questions, I should say.
So I wanted to clear up any confusion we may- you all- may have.
We're all here because we love one thing: Throw-
Yeah, throwing knives, exactly.
But it's not just that.
It's the potential throwing knives have.
That.
That potential.
Because when you hold the knife that way, I mean, you tell me, can you NOT throw it?
No.
Exactly.
Of course not.
Potential.
And fear.
People fear throwing knives.
And people fear people who throw throwing knives.
Especially people who are good at throwing throwing knives.
And we're all here to get better at throwing throwing knives, right?
Exactly.
I, but-
Ok. I don't want to derail, but first I feel I need to reiterate a few things.
Guys.
Some of us are getting hurt. By each other.
Look at Ted over there.
Look.
Ted, show them your face.
For those of you who weren't here last week, take a good look.
(sigh)
Guys that's rule number one!
Do NOT throw throwing knives at other Throwing Knife Gang members.
Rule number one.
If we don't honour that, I mean, what can I say?
We're hardly a gang. That's what.
What gangs do you know that hurt each other?
I know the Chain Gang doesn't. You ever see their members with chain marks?
No.
They may have flame burns or tire welts or knife marks-
Right Steve, always modest.
Please, a short round of applause for Steve, who-
(Applause)
For you new guys out there, Steve was key in our last scheduled gang fight with the Chain Gang.
You're an asset to the gang, we all know that. But a little modesty-
Anyway, you don't see Chain Gang members with chain marks. That's my point.
And please, don't think for a second that I don't appreciate the-
The enthusiasm our gang has.
The energy.
I really do.
I mean, when we bring it, it's just-
I mean, frankly, we have more energy than any other gang I've seen, and-
We just want to feel like a team, don't we?
Yeah.
Sure we do.
So let's keep that in mind.
Especially you new guys.
Anyway, where was I..
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(pause)
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So potential.
Like our throwing knives, we all have potential.
Every one of us.
And this gang.
This gang has potential.
Micky, I don't want to single you out, but-
You know, it's not just Micky.
I've seen a lot of you guys.
When you're out, buying a hot dog, or you know, something else-
You pay for it.
Now, that's not necessarily bad, but I don't see a lot of intimidation.
I don't even see a lot of, you know-
I guess-
I don't know, marketing?
I guess that would be an ok word to use.
I don't see us marketing our gang to local businesses.
You know?
I mean-
I guess I'm getting bogged down in details.
Here's what I see, for us.
For our gang:
We start with small businesses, right?
We muscle them around a bit. Scare them.
Not too much.
But a little.
Then we protect them. From other gangs.
I mean, rival gangs, right?
Then we collect a bit of money from them.
For that protection.
We move up to bigger businesses.
Banks!
Right?
We can rob banks pretty soon.
I mean, by at least August, I would say.
If we play our cards right.
We rob a few banks, we work our way up the ladder.
Control this city a little at a time.
We can even expand to other cities and you know.
Throwing knives.
We work our way up to drugs.
Now look.
I know.
Ok.
I know.
No, I know.
(pause)
Hey.
Guys.
I didn't start this gang to deal drugs.
I didn't.
But that's where the money is.
That's where the power is.
That's a good point Barney. Politics.
We work our way into politics too.
Everything.
You see?!
That's thinking outside the box.
That's thinking about potential.
Let's keep thinking that way.
About potential.
Where can we expand?
Where can we grow?
We all have as much potential as a throwing knife.
And we're great.
Throwing knives are great!
(Applause)
Yeah!
Ok!
So everyone grab a piece of pizza and let's all talk and come up with ideas, ok?
Great!
Thank you!
(Applause)