You're stupid. You've admitted it, and now you're seeking help. I want to congratulate you! That's the first step towards making your stupid life better.
First thing's first though; you are stupid and will be forever. This book will not change that. This book will however, mask your stupidity from the rest of the world and may lead to promotions, dating, new job opportunities, more friends, and definitely more confidence!
It's not easy to fool people when you're stupid. Especially people who aren't stupid. Let's call this type of people “Smart” people, shall we? Smart people are very quick to pick up on the fact that you're stupid. You've got to be perfect from the beginning around them, or else they will see you as a sheep in wolf's clothing. That's an example of a “smart” idea: a truncated and intentionally-reversed extended metaphor using the structure of a simile. You scoffed at things like this in school, but metaphors, similes, and other clever literary devices are a fundamental part of smart people conversation. Similes and metaphors are discussed in detail later in this book, so we won't worry about them now.
Instead, what we'll focus on now is the face you made after reading that sentence about the wolf and the sheep. You scrunched your nose tightly and rolled your eyes around in the hopes that your brain would explain why I was talking about animals. If you are smarter, but still stupid, you waited to make the face until I started talking about all that simile and metaphor stuff. This frowny-eye-rolling is a common face that stupid people make when presented with something that bores them or something they don't understand. This book is about fixing stupid habits just like that face!
Most of the stupid habits you have are based on your stupid instincts. Right now, I want you to close your mouth, and breathe through your nose. TRUST ME, you won't suffocate! Go ahead and try it. You see? Now you know you can trust me.
It's not necessary to understand WHY I want you to do the things I want you to do. The important thing is that you DO them and practice them, over and over, for the rest of your life. Most of these things will be difficult. Breathing through your nose alone will take years for you to master. You currently breathe through your mouth because the “instinct” part of your brain is looking out for your survival. This is because the cognitive or “thinking” part of your brain isn't capable of making good decisions. Stupid people like yourself are prone to doing things directly opposed to your own survival. For instance, I'm sure you've found yourself at one time or another in a single-person competition for stuffing the most miniature marshmallows into your nose to see how many will fit. Since this is literally smothering yourself for no reason, your brain makes you breathe out of your mouth, since it figures you'll live longer that way.
Don't worry! You will still be able to indulge all of your fun, stupid impulses. I'll simply teach you how to save them for “private time”, or “stupid friend hang-out time.” when you're around other people as stupid, or more stupid, than you are. This book is full of helpful, good habits like “stupid friend hang-out time”. However, every habit will take practice to master, so I want you to make a promise with me.
Go ahead and read this out loud: “I promise that I will follow the instructions in this book. I promise that I will practice every day, and that I won't give up, no matter how frustrating it is for my stupid brain. Sincerely, me!”
There. You've just made a promise to both you and I. You said it out loud, so you have to stick to it. It's too late to turn back now, which is wonderful, because you're going to have a great new life! (if you think you and I are the same person, or opposite people from when this introduction began, you're still reading out loud. Please stop reading out loud.)
To create a sense of familiarity, which will subconsciously compel you to finish the rest of the chapters through recognition, despite your short attention span, Just for fun, I'll give you a brief overview of the topics we will cover in-depth during the rest of this guide.
The first half of this book is all about breaking down and hiding the stupid things you do:
Chapter 1 is what you're reading right now.
In chapter 2, I will tell you tricks to keep your stupid life separate from your new smart life. This will be an ongoing process. You will learn to enjoy top 40 music and Michael Bay movies secretly while alone or with a few select stupid friends, instead of loudly and in front of everyone.
In chapter 3, I'll teach you how to shut your mouth before it says the stupid thing you just thought. You'll learn to use silence with making faces to pretend that you're deep in thought.
The second half of this book is all about the tricks you can use to pretend you're smart:
In chapter 4, we'll reread the first half of the book, because you'll have skipped ahead, thinking you didn't need to learn those techniques and “do homework from a stupid book”.
In chapter 5, you get a makeover! As fun as it seems, this will actually be one of the hardest sections of the book, and one of the most important. You will learn to dress in a “nerd costume” for the rest of your life. Calm down! Stop wrinkling your face, stop chewing your lip, quit punching whatever you're punching, and listen up. You know deep down that “nerds” are the very smartest of smart people. The benefit of looking like a nerd is that smart people will assume you are socially awkward instead of stupid and will therefore more readily ignore whenever you slip up and do stupid things.
In chapter 6, I'll discuss using props to appear smart. We will discuss scavenging techniques for smart props, including making habits for success. You'll learn how to search local coffee shops every morning for partially-completed crossword puzzles to spend the rest of the day pretending to fill out. Tips like this will give silent proof of your “smarts” when people might otherwise see through your smart costume.
In chapter 7, I'll help you get into the habit of saying smart things and inventing opinions. It DOESN'T MATTER what your opinions are. The only important thing is to NEVER CHANGE YOUR MIND about your opinions. You'll learn to be condescending about other people's opinions. I'll even teach you phrases to use if you get into hot water with someone such as “I suppose we'll just have to agree to disagree!” You'll also learn to memorize a single generic quote to use at parties and whenever you want to impress someone of the opposite sex.
The third half of this book is all about using your newfound techniques to SECURE your future:
In chapter 8, I'll give you a lie detector test to be sure you've read every chapter thoroughly. If not, i'll remind you that you made a promise to me, and make you go back and read what you skipped.
In chapter 9, I'll teach you about material investments. It's important to invest in “things” and “stuff” that will make you appear smart for the rest of your life: a modestly large house, a slightly above-average car, and many more material things. Your stupid thinking is right in assuming the more things you own, the better; but you have to own the RIGHT KINDS of things! Filling your house with the right long-term props is very important. You'll learn about chess and backgammon boards. You'll check prices on pianos and expensive-looking (but not extravagant!) artwork.
In chapter 10, you'll hire an accountant and do EXACTLY what they tell you do with your money. I'll tell you briefly what a saving account is and why it's better not to run out and spend every paycheck immediately on liquor and clubbing. Even though you won't understand right away why this is bad; when you see how savings and investments lead to MORE liquor, you'll be happy you listened.
In chapter 11, you'll invent a new category of people you can look down on for the rest of your life, like “Liberal Elites” or “Right Wing Fascists”. This is a prime time to hire a writer to write a book with your name on it! Tell everyone you wrote the book. This is key.
In our last chapter, chapter 12, you'll make the most important investment in your future; tricking a beautiful INTELLIGENT person into loving and marrying you. This will be the most difficult thing you will EVER do and it will take all the resources you've built and all the techniques you've learned. You will master keeping your stupid life and your smart life separate by passing off your stupidity once and for all as something else. We will discuss faking Asperger's Syndrome, Social Anxiety Disorder, and the like.
By the end of this book, you will be a new person; a person you've invented. You will be successful beyond belief, and you'll have someone who loves you for the rest of your life.
Does this sound too good to be true? Well guess what? I'M A STUPID JUST LIKE YOU! Or at least, I used to be. But following my own system, I've made a wonderful, explosive new life as a SMART! I'm CEO of my own Fortune 500 company, I have a syndicated talk radio show, I'm married to a supermodel, I live in a mansion in Beverly Hills, and I have three somewhat intelligent children. I'm sure you don't believe me, but it's true. All the “smart” phrases I've used in this book were painfully constructed over several years using a dictionary, a smart writer friend, and the help of my brilliant wife. My system worked for me! IT WILL WORK FOR YOU!!!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
George Washington's Body Discovered!
Thought by many to be lost to the sands of time, archaeologists recently unearthed the body of the first president of the United States, George Washington. For hundreds of years, the disappearance and presumed death of the first president was shrouded in mystery, but now it appears that many shocking details are finally coming to light. Groundbreaking as this discovery is, it appears that for the scientific community, there are now more questions than answers.
Professor Keith Buhrningman, head of the American History department at Stanford University, has openly stated that he "will never think of ol' Georgie boy the same again." When pressed for actual details, prof. Buhrningman declined to comment further. However, a factual rumour overheard in the lab stated that the famous legend of the late president’s wooden teeth was grossly understated and perhaps even downplayed.
Doctor Thomas Wūdstock, Harvard drop-out, is soon to release a book, The Six Hundred Dollar Man, detailing the scientific community's findings.
"I can't give too much away, but I will say that from our early observations, it appears that his teeth weren't the only wooden part of George Washington. Over two-thirds of Washington's body was replaced with rich, polished wood! And not just bones; a few major organs were replaced with extremely intricate wooden cogs and machinery. Buy my book.”
When asked which organs were replaced, and what powered the wooden machinery, Wūdstock replied,”It's easy to get swept up in all this “wooden man” hooplah, but people are forgetting the most important mystery of all: what kind of wood it is. My money is on mahogany. Keith and most other scientists have bet on oak, so if I'm right, more winnings for me! Oh, also, his body was riddled with bullet holes, which is important to historians, but not important to scientists. Buy my book.”
Secret reports passed between scientists contain Da Vinci-esque diagrams of what can only be described as a half-human, half-wooden cyborg.
This new information has sparked endless speculation, not only in the scientific community, but also in popular online chat communities or “chatmunities”.
Self-named "Doc" “Reginald” “McSteamery” runs the website Steampunkjunkie.com, where chat topics have ranged from the light-hearted "Washington costume ideas!" to the cryptic "Ye olde conspiracie? WTF?!"
Doc McSteamery states, "This is so totally awesome! Did you see the gears and machinery? Made of REAL WOOD?! God, that's just so... I mean the craftsmanship... wow! If they find out he has brass parts too or was steam-powered, I'll die. I'll literally die. This is truly another great first for America; we're the greatest great in the entire great!"
The implications this information has for America's- and even maybe the world's- history, is staggering. A wooden cyborg as first president might possibly mean taking a second glance at the rules regarding presidential elections and appointments. If this seems sure to raise political controversy, it won't be the first time; this presidential secret stirred the controversy kettle, even in Washington's time.
Alongside Washington's body was found a partially-burned confession letter. In it, Aaron Burr writes that “two hired goons” coerced him into “murdering [his] only friend, Alexander Hamilton.” The letter then states the two goons, “Franklin and Adams”, told Burr that “Hamilton knew too much for his own big mouth” and that Burr “had to shut him up real bullet-like.” The confession goes on to say that Washington was intending to silence Hamilton himself, but that he ultimately “didn’t want to get his greasy wooden mitts dirty” in connection with the murder. It's certainly difficult to envision America's first president as a wooden cyborg president, but a wooden cyborg assassin president sounds even more fantastical. Is there any proof of George Washington as a killer, aside from the well-documented accounts of his battles?
A third item was found in Washington's hidden tomb: A wooden gun held in his human right hand, next to several wooden bullets. The gun appears to have fit neatly inside the president's hollow right thigh, which was entirely wooden, velvet-lined, and opened up specifically for gun-storage. The last item in the casket, a wooden pepper mill labeled “Whompin’ Washington’s pepper spray” was found resting in a holster in Washington’s leather belt. The gun and pepper spray combination has led top police experts to believe Washington may have served as a kind of judge, jury, and executionary robotic law enforcer.
“No doubt about it, Washington ran this country with a wooden fist,” says New York Chief of Police Randy Fish. Fish is not pleased with Buhrningman, Wūdstock or any of the other music festivals scientists.
“At first I thought those scientists were doing good work, but any first-year cop can tell you that only most of the holes in Washington’s body are bullet holes; the rest of ‘em are termites holes. From the angle of the bullet entry wounds, my forensics department has concluded that Washington was such a badass, he actually shot the termites out of himself from time to time.”
But what of the larger picture? Does this evidence of primitive technology mean there may now be cyborgs living among us constructed of stone, or bronze or even iron? Only time will tell. Until then, one thing is certain: we “soft-skins” can only hope they're as wonderful and patriotic as our beloved wooden cyborg assassin president, who could apparently tell a lie.
Professor Keith Buhrningman, head of the American History department at Stanford University, has openly stated that he "will never think of ol' Georgie boy the same again." When pressed for actual details, prof. Buhrningman declined to comment further. However, a factual rumour overheard in the lab stated that the famous legend of the late president’s wooden teeth was grossly understated and perhaps even downplayed.
Doctor Thomas Wūdstock, Harvard drop-out, is soon to release a book, The Six Hundred Dollar Man, detailing the scientific community's findings.
"I can't give too much away, but I will say that from our early observations, it appears that his teeth weren't the only wooden part of George Washington. Over two-thirds of Washington's body was replaced with rich, polished wood! And not just bones; a few major organs were replaced with extremely intricate wooden cogs and machinery. Buy my book.”
When asked which organs were replaced, and what powered the wooden machinery, Wūdstock replied,”It's easy to get swept up in all this “wooden man” hooplah, but people are forgetting the most important mystery of all: what kind of wood it is. My money is on mahogany. Keith and most other scientists have bet on oak, so if I'm right, more winnings for me! Oh, also, his body was riddled with bullet holes, which is important to historians, but not important to scientists. Buy my book.”
Secret reports passed between scientists contain Da Vinci-esque diagrams of what can only be described as a half-human, half-wooden cyborg.
This new information has sparked endless speculation, not only in the scientific community, but also in popular online chat communities or “chatmunities”.
Self-named "Doc" “Reginald” “McSteamery” runs the website Steampunkjunkie.com, where chat topics have ranged from the light-hearted "Washington costume ideas!" to the cryptic "Ye olde conspiracie? WTF?!"
Doc McSteamery states, "This is so totally awesome! Did you see the gears and machinery? Made of REAL WOOD?! God, that's just so... I mean the craftsmanship... wow! If they find out he has brass parts too or was steam-powered, I'll die. I'll literally die. This is truly another great first for America; we're the greatest great in the entire great!"
The implications this information has for America's- and even maybe the world's- history, is staggering. A wooden cyborg as first president might possibly mean taking a second glance at the rules regarding presidential elections and appointments. If this seems sure to raise political controversy, it won't be the first time; this presidential secret stirred the controversy kettle, even in Washington's time.
Alongside Washington's body was found a partially-burned confession letter. In it, Aaron Burr writes that “two hired goons” coerced him into “murdering [his] only friend, Alexander Hamilton.” The letter then states the two goons, “Franklin and Adams”, told Burr that “Hamilton knew too much for his own big mouth” and that Burr “had to shut him up real bullet-like.” The confession goes on to say that Washington was intending to silence Hamilton himself, but that he ultimately “didn’t want to get his greasy wooden mitts dirty” in connection with the murder. It's certainly difficult to envision America's first president as a wooden cyborg president, but a wooden cyborg assassin president sounds even more fantastical. Is there any proof of George Washington as a killer, aside from the well-documented accounts of his battles?
A third item was found in Washington's hidden tomb: A wooden gun held in his human right hand, next to several wooden bullets. The gun appears to have fit neatly inside the president's hollow right thigh, which was entirely wooden, velvet-lined, and opened up specifically for gun-storage. The last item in the casket, a wooden pepper mill labeled “Whompin’ Washington’s pepper spray” was found resting in a holster in Washington’s leather belt. The gun and pepper spray combination has led top police experts to believe Washington may have served as a kind of judge, jury, and executionary robotic law enforcer.
“No doubt about it, Washington ran this country with a wooden fist,” says New York Chief of Police Randy Fish. Fish is not pleased with Buhrningman, Wūdstock or any of the other music festivals scientists.
“At first I thought those scientists were doing good work, but any first-year cop can tell you that only most of the holes in Washington’s body are bullet holes; the rest of ‘em are termites holes. From the angle of the bullet entry wounds, my forensics department has concluded that Washington was such a badass, he actually shot the termites out of himself from time to time.”
But what of the larger picture? Does this evidence of primitive technology mean there may now be cyborgs living among us constructed of stone, or bronze or even iron? Only time will tell. Until then, one thing is certain: we “soft-skins” can only hope they're as wonderful and patriotic as our beloved wooden cyborg assassin president, who could apparently tell a lie.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Gotham High
Ok, so we've all seen batman as a grownup: incredibly awesome and guaranteed box office GOLD. Batman as a kid would be boring: boohoo dead parents and all that. But what about batman as a TEEN?!
BOOMPOW!
Enter Gotham High,
Wait, what is that?
Is that success I smell a-brewin'?
Before I lay it all out, I'll ease your mind by saying we already have a sequel in the works: Gotham University! (and a threequel: Gotham post-grad!)
Now, strap into your pampers because this movie is going to shit money. Literally.
Batman and Joker: two seniors in high school. They both have built their reputations or the past three years, and now they're the top dawgs of Gotham High. This means one thing of course: RIVALRY!
They're totally rivals!
We see them pass each other in the hall and Batman's like “something smells poor. Joker must be nearby!” Then he and his snob friends chuckle and Batman's monocle falls out of his face from laughing so hard and he almost spills his martini. Also Catwoman is his girlfriend and she's the head cheerleader.
Then Joker punches him and the teacher, who is the Green Lantern, breaks them up and is like “superheroes aren't supposed to fight! Get back to class you knuckleheads before I send you to principal Spiderman!” and they're both like shrugging their shoulders and looking cool and like “whatever.” They both know mean old principal Spiderman is mad at them for always being rivals and tearing the school spirit in half instead of acting like the brothers they are. Also Catwoman is the joker's girlfriend and she's head of the spirit squad.
All of a sudden, this rivalry is about to explode!!! why?
Because Samantha Campbell is a new transfer student who just moved from New York out here to California to attend Gotham High School. And she is totally mind-blowingly hot! You'd better believe it!
So they're in chemistry class throwing insult-notes at each other and then, in walks Samantha Campbell, and BAM! jaws=on floor. heads=turned.
Batman's all like “you can sit here Samantha!” and joker's like “i got you flowers Samantha!” and Batman's like “you can wear my varsity jacket Samantha!” And the teacher, who is the Punisher is like “everyone settle down! There are two things I know about: Chemistry and punishing!”
so they all sit down, and Batman and Joker make angry eyes at each other so it's clear to the audience that it's ON!
So we see Joker at home and hes family's all mean and his dad's a gambler-drunk and he's like “no one understands me!” and he runs into the yard and gets into his purple camaro and peels rubber outta there! Then we see Batman at home and his mom's like “why don't you buy her things? That's how your father and I met.” and his dad's like “she's not good enough for you son. We need a family that's fat with mutual funds and banking! I raised you better than this!” And Batman cries a single tear because he's rich and rich people don't know how to cry properly. Then he leaves on his harley, and puts on his leather jacket, which has a skull on the back (skulls are scarier than bats).
Then Batman pulls up to the red light and who should be there but the joker in his purple camaro. And they both look at each other all sad, and we can just tell that they used to be best friends because of family stuff. Then before they can be best friends again, or say a word, Samantha pulls up to the light in her daddy's ferrari, which is candy red, like Samantha's blonde hair, which is dyed black now to match the car. Batman sees her black hair and he winks at joker like she dyed it black to match his batman suit. Joker revs his engine and batman revs his motorbike and the light turns green and they're off! We blast Sammy Hagar's “Heavy Metal” as loud as the theatre speakers can go, BLASTO!
They race all through town, and Samantha is following to see which one will win her heart, and they both have gadgets in their vehicles like james bond, but the joker's are all krappy like with duct tape and milk jugs, but they're still powerful (he's poor, but scrappy!).
This race signifies that snobs will always be versus slobs in life and teenagers should get used to it and find out who they really are inside, so it's kind of a feel-good life lesson movie too.
Then they both crash into fireballs in the side of a building that ironically is owned by the evil Daredevil corporation.
And Iron Man comes out of the building in a tuxedo and he's like “you'll pay for this damage, you knuckleheads!”
They both look at Samantha, who is eating a popsicle, and they realize they can't run away like cowards. It's time to team up and fight together! So Batman uses his gadgets and Joker uses his laughing and they both are winning the fight against Iron Man, but then he turns into the HULK and says “it's clobberin' time!!!” they both get their noses bloodied, but after a sweet 45-minute cgi battle, they emerge victorious. They look at Samantha, but she is eating a banana with her throat and isn't impressed with either of them yet.
So they look at each other and they're like “i guess now it's time to fight each other for her love.”
they are both bloody and broken-nosed and batman's cape is all beat up and then professor Punisher shows up and he's like Samantha, you're causing all of this?!”
Samantha says “Mr. Punisher, I really need straight A's if you catch my drift.” (the audience is like “Oh ho-HO! It's an erection thing!)
and the Punisher and Samantha walk away arm in arm and Batman and Joker learn a valuable lesson about women and vow never to fight each other again. But then another hot girl comes into the screen (EVEN HOTTER than Samantha!!!), and she's like “I'm Nadia, the new exchange student from Norway.” Then Batman and the Joker look at each other and make angry eyes and the credits roll as we kick in with ACDC's “Back in Black”.
BOOMPOW!
Enter Gotham High,
Wait, what is that?
Is that success I smell a-brewin'?
Before I lay it all out, I'll ease your mind by saying we already have a sequel in the works: Gotham University! (and a threequel: Gotham post-grad!)
Now, strap into your pampers because this movie is going to shit money. Literally.
Batman and Joker: two seniors in high school. They both have built their reputations or the past three years, and now they're the top dawgs of Gotham High. This means one thing of course: RIVALRY!
They're totally rivals!
We see them pass each other in the hall and Batman's like “something smells poor. Joker must be nearby!” Then he and his snob friends chuckle and Batman's monocle falls out of his face from laughing so hard and he almost spills his martini. Also Catwoman is his girlfriend and she's the head cheerleader.
Then Joker punches him and the teacher, who is the Green Lantern, breaks them up and is like “superheroes aren't supposed to fight! Get back to class you knuckleheads before I send you to principal Spiderman!” and they're both like shrugging their shoulders and looking cool and like “whatever.” They both know mean old principal Spiderman is mad at them for always being rivals and tearing the school spirit in half instead of acting like the brothers they are. Also Catwoman is the joker's girlfriend and she's head of the spirit squad.
All of a sudden, this rivalry is about to explode!!! why?
Because Samantha Campbell is a new transfer student who just moved from New York out here to California to attend Gotham High School. And she is totally mind-blowingly hot! You'd better believe it!
So they're in chemistry class throwing insult-notes at each other and then, in walks Samantha Campbell, and BAM! jaws=on floor. heads=turned.
Batman's all like “you can sit here Samantha!” and joker's like “i got you flowers Samantha!” and Batman's like “you can wear my varsity jacket Samantha!” And the teacher, who is the Punisher is like “everyone settle down! There are two things I know about: Chemistry and punishing!”
so they all sit down, and Batman and Joker make angry eyes at each other so it's clear to the audience that it's ON!
So we see Joker at home and hes family's all mean and his dad's a gambler-drunk and he's like “no one understands me!” and he runs into the yard and gets into his purple camaro and peels rubber outta there! Then we see Batman at home and his mom's like “why don't you buy her things? That's how your father and I met.” and his dad's like “she's not good enough for you son. We need a family that's fat with mutual funds and banking! I raised you better than this!” And Batman cries a single tear because he's rich and rich people don't know how to cry properly. Then he leaves on his harley, and puts on his leather jacket, which has a skull on the back (skulls are scarier than bats).
Then Batman pulls up to the red light and who should be there but the joker in his purple camaro. And they both look at each other all sad, and we can just tell that they used to be best friends because of family stuff. Then before they can be best friends again, or say a word, Samantha pulls up to the light in her daddy's ferrari, which is candy red, like Samantha's blonde hair, which is dyed black now to match the car. Batman sees her black hair and he winks at joker like she dyed it black to match his batman suit. Joker revs his engine and batman revs his motorbike and the light turns green and they're off! We blast Sammy Hagar's “Heavy Metal” as loud as the theatre speakers can go, BLASTO!
They race all through town, and Samantha is following to see which one will win her heart, and they both have gadgets in their vehicles like james bond, but the joker's are all krappy like with duct tape and milk jugs, but they're still powerful (he's poor, but scrappy!).
This race signifies that snobs will always be versus slobs in life and teenagers should get used to it and find out who they really are inside, so it's kind of a feel-good life lesson movie too.
Then they both crash into fireballs in the side of a building that ironically is owned by the evil Daredevil corporation.
And Iron Man comes out of the building in a tuxedo and he's like “you'll pay for this damage, you knuckleheads!”
They both look at Samantha, who is eating a popsicle, and they realize they can't run away like cowards. It's time to team up and fight together! So Batman uses his gadgets and Joker uses his laughing and they both are winning the fight against Iron Man, but then he turns into the HULK and says “it's clobberin' time!!!” they both get their noses bloodied, but after a sweet 45-minute cgi battle, they emerge victorious. They look at Samantha, but she is eating a banana with her throat and isn't impressed with either of them yet.
So they look at each other and they're like “i guess now it's time to fight each other for her love.”
they are both bloody and broken-nosed and batman's cape is all beat up and then professor Punisher shows up and he's like Samantha, you're causing all of this?!”
Samantha says “Mr. Punisher, I really need straight A's if you catch my drift.” (the audience is like “Oh ho-HO! It's an erection thing!)
and the Punisher and Samantha walk away arm in arm and Batman and Joker learn a valuable lesson about women and vow never to fight each other again. But then another hot girl comes into the screen (EVEN HOTTER than Samantha!!!), and she's like “I'm Nadia, the new exchange student from Norway.” Then Batman and the Joker look at each other and make angry eyes and the credits roll as we kick in with ACDC's “Back in Black”.
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