I am extremely political. I believe that Americans should get the things that they want.
I support health. All Americans have a right to health. Sometimes people may not be able to afford health. Those people aren’t Americans.
It’s our job as Americans to help them; maybe even give them some of our health.
Doctors are good. Hospitals are good. I think we can all agree that they are important to health. American health. Your health.
What about medicines?
Medicines have a long history of health.
Healths and medicines are like peanut and butter.
I support medicines.
I want Americans to have plenty of healths.
I also believe in other issues that are important.
Immigration.
Immigration is about people.
People who are immigrating, and people who live in the cities the people who are immigrating are immigrating to.
I will say firmly right now that I support people.
People are the key to our economy.
That means our economy is like the lock.
We have to open up our economy and take the goodies inside.
What if the goodies are treasures like diamonds and golds?
Do we want to be stuck without an economy?
I can relate to you, because I know I want an economy.
Like you, I believe the economy is important.
My opponent slings mud in the form of words; mud-words.
Well let me just tell you that he went to college.
People in college do drugs and sleep around.
People in college are irresponsible and drink too much.
Do you really want an alcoholic druggie gigolo in the white house?
I don’t.
My children don’t either.
Children are precious.
Like diamonds.
But children are also soft.
Children are soft diamonds.
Children and future.
Peanut and butter.
We must care for our children. We must teach them that they go with future.
They must grow up.
We must be firm about this.
We cannot let our children not grow up without future.
What kind of world has no children and no future?
Not a world I want to live in.
Not a world for my children.
I am a fan of the tiny people that we call children.
Foreign relations are important.
America doesn’t live in the world alone.
We have to cooperate with foreigns.
The world is large, but getting smaller.
Technology, foreigns, world.
They all must be friends to share peace.
Some foreigns aren’t friends.
They must be dealt with as enemies.
We will use our other friends: technology and world, to form a club where our enemies are not allowed until they become our friends.
Then, and only then, will foreigns, technology, world, and America have friendship.
Friendship is important.
I am pro-friendship.
Oil and drilling.
This issue confused people.
Here’s why: Oil is good. Drilling is bad.
We must drill to have oil.
This is a classic case of doing something bad to get something good.
I love oil.
I use it in my car to make it go.
I go to work every day with the power of oil.
I am an American.
I bet some of you use oil in your cars too.
We’re alike, you and I.
People who hate oil say that we can use green instead.
I say, why not make oil green?
Why throw all the oil away, when it’s still perfectly good?
If we make oil green, everyone will be happy.
I am for making people happy.
I say go green with oil!
People are talking a lot about gay.
They say gay marriage and gay rights.
I hear them.
Other people say straight.
They say straight marriage and straight god.
I listen.
I am a listener who hears both sides when people talk.
I support listening.
It is important to hear when people are talking.
I can promise that I am a listener who truly hears.
So when you go to the voting, remember:
Jon Clinkenbeard supports health and medicines.
Jon Clinkenbeard firmly supports people and friendships.
Jon Clinkenbeard believes the economy is important.
My opponent is an alcoholic drugged-out liar with STDs.
Who do you want to be president of America?
You want Jon Clinkenbeard to be president of America.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Teeth and Money
I’ve got plum between my teeth. I always have something between my teeth. That’s the trouble with having large teeth.
One of the troubles anyway; I also have a tendency to bite things.
Like people.
All of my friends know this, because at one time or another, I’ve bitten them. And believe me, they weren’t expecting it. No one’s every retaliated in a mean way, though. And that doesn’t mean I wait until I’m really good friends with them before I bite them.
I just bite whenever I feel like biting.
My friends just don’t retaliate because they’re good people and they know my intentions are pure.
I can’t help it. Well, I can, but I choose not to.
Which leads to me biting total strangers.
I was actually recognized by a girl in a bar a few years ago for biting her and I didn’t even remember doing it.
Not until she explained the whole story, and jogged my memory.
“It was your first day working in the airport, and you bit me, and I didn’t even know you, and that was so weird and hilarious and what are you up to now? (glug, glug, flirty eyes)”
You try biting someone your first day on the job in an international airport and see what happens.
I did, and it was great.
This girl was a bartender, who was very very cute.
I didn’t rationalize it that way though.
Something deep in my mind just knew she wouldn’t mind being bitten, and that urge came a’ knockin’, so I did it.
Yes, I had bitten this woman, who I didn’t know then, and still don’t.
As I said, it had even proved to be a conversation starter a year and a half later, and believe you me, if I hadn’t been dating someone at the time I ran back into her, I would have gotten to know her a lot better.
She would have had a lot more bite marks if you know what I’m saying. I think you do. Yeah, you do.
You might think all this biting makes my mouth a filthy filthy place.
Well it does, and not just biting strangers and friends; I also put money in my mouth. I don’t do it as much as I used to, but for a good while, I did it on a daily basis.
It tastes interesting. Not great, but not bad.
It also freaks people out, which I don’t understand.
Who doesn’t like the taste of metal? Who’s never tried that even once in their life?
Metal is kind of like bubble gum; great to taste and chew around on, but if you swallow a lot of it, it’s going to be really gross and probably horrible for you.
Paper money is great too.
It’s such a combination of flavours: ink, paper, the hands/wallets/pockets of a thousand different people, and whatever they coat it with to make it shiny.
If you think that’s disgusting and you consider money filthy, work in a restaurant for a few months and see if you ever want to eat out again. Germs are EVERYWHERE.
At least coins sit in your car, boiling in the sun.
You think germs thrive and make little germ cities on the surface of a 125-degree copper penny?
That’s like humans deciding the surface of the planet Mercury is good for a weekend beach trip.
They’re more likely to multiply and spread out on the rim of your “brand new” paper coffee cup, as it sits there in its little cupstack in Starbucks, where the temperature and humidity are perfect 24/7.
If you think about this stuff long enough, you’ll want to disinfect everything, which sounds great, unless you know that disinfectants only kill 99.99% of the germs.
Disinfectants only kill the weak germs.
Disinfectants don’t even touch the 0.01% bodybuilder germs; which means the bodybuilder germs are the only germs left.
So they all have germ-sex with each other and make nothing but bodybuilder germ babies. BAM! 50 years later, humans are fucked because germs can all lift 100 times their own weight up over their heads, and all humans can do is spray an ineffective mist at the ULTRAGERMS™ and cower together in their plastic biosuits.
Our best hope for the future might be for you to put money in your mouth on a daily basis and toughen your immune system up like a little organized crime family.
“Welcome to Jon’s Body. Germ and crime free* since 1993.”
Just to reiterate, I don’t put money in my mouth to build my immune system; I do it because I like the taste. The immune-system-building is just a good “not-crazy” reason to put money in your mouth if you want to do it, but also care what other people think.
I think I’ve gotten way off-topic here.
In summary: my big teeth usually cause a lot of trouble for me, but sometimes they lead to pretty girls thinking I’m awesome. And germs are fucking scary, but if you put enough of them in your mouth, your body will build a white blood cell mafia, which will proceed to wipe out the bodybuilder germs for not paying their protection money.
This was a good blog.
One of the troubles anyway; I also have a tendency to bite things.
Like people.
All of my friends know this, because at one time or another, I’ve bitten them. And believe me, they weren’t expecting it. No one’s every retaliated in a mean way, though. And that doesn’t mean I wait until I’m really good friends with them before I bite them.
I just bite whenever I feel like biting.
My friends just don’t retaliate because they’re good people and they know my intentions are pure.
I can’t help it. Well, I can, but I choose not to.
Which leads to me biting total strangers.
I was actually recognized by a girl in a bar a few years ago for biting her and I didn’t even remember doing it.
Not until she explained the whole story, and jogged my memory.
“It was your first day working in the airport, and you bit me, and I didn’t even know you, and that was so weird and hilarious and what are you up to now? (glug, glug, flirty eyes)”
You try biting someone your first day on the job in an international airport and see what happens.
I did, and it was great.
This girl was a bartender, who was very very cute.
I didn’t rationalize it that way though.
Something deep in my mind just knew she wouldn’t mind being bitten, and that urge came a’ knockin’, so I did it.
Yes, I had bitten this woman, who I didn’t know then, and still don’t.
As I said, it had even proved to be a conversation starter a year and a half later, and believe you me, if I hadn’t been dating someone at the time I ran back into her, I would have gotten to know her a lot better.
She would have had a lot more bite marks if you know what I’m saying. I think you do. Yeah, you do.
You might think all this biting makes my mouth a filthy filthy place.
Well it does, and not just biting strangers and friends; I also put money in my mouth. I don’t do it as much as I used to, but for a good while, I did it on a daily basis.
It tastes interesting. Not great, but not bad.
It also freaks people out, which I don’t understand.
Who doesn’t like the taste of metal? Who’s never tried that even once in their life?
Metal is kind of like bubble gum; great to taste and chew around on, but if you swallow a lot of it, it’s going to be really gross and probably horrible for you.
Paper money is great too.
It’s such a combination of flavours: ink, paper, the hands/wallets/pockets of a thousand different people, and whatever they coat it with to make it shiny.
If you think that’s disgusting and you consider money filthy, work in a restaurant for a few months and see if you ever want to eat out again. Germs are EVERYWHERE.
At least coins sit in your car, boiling in the sun.
You think germs thrive and make little germ cities on the surface of a 125-degree copper penny?
That’s like humans deciding the surface of the planet Mercury is good for a weekend beach trip.
They’re more likely to multiply and spread out on the rim of your “brand new” paper coffee cup, as it sits there in its little cupstack in Starbucks, where the temperature and humidity are perfect 24/7.
If you think about this stuff long enough, you’ll want to disinfect everything, which sounds great, unless you know that disinfectants only kill 99.99% of the germs.
Disinfectants only kill the weak germs.
Disinfectants don’t even touch the 0.01% bodybuilder germs; which means the bodybuilder germs are the only germs left.
So they all have germ-sex with each other and make nothing but bodybuilder germ babies. BAM! 50 years later, humans are fucked because germs can all lift 100 times their own weight up over their heads, and all humans can do is spray an ineffective mist at the ULTRAGERMS™ and cower together in their plastic biosuits.
Our best hope for the future might be for you to put money in your mouth on a daily basis and toughen your immune system up like a little organized crime family.
“Welcome to Jon’s Body. Germ and crime free* since 1993.”
Just to reiterate, I don’t put money in my mouth to build my immune system; I do it because I like the taste. The immune-system-building is just a good “not-crazy” reason to put money in your mouth if you want to do it, but also care what other people think.
I think I’ve gotten way off-topic here.
In summary: my big teeth usually cause a lot of trouble for me, but sometimes they lead to pretty girls thinking I’m awesome. And germs are fucking scary, but if you put enough of them in your mouth, your body will build a white blood cell mafia, which will proceed to wipe out the bodybuilder germs for not paying their protection money.
This was a good blog.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
The Worst Fortune Cookie Fortune OF ALL TIME.
I bet you thought that I’d say it right off the bat; the worst fortune cookie fortune of all time.
Well I’m not going to blow it that soon.
There’s no build-up.
I WILL tell you in this blog, so don’t think that I’m trying to trick you. This would be a stupid blog if I titled it ‘The Worst Fortune Cookie Fortune OF ALL TIME!” and didn’t actually tell you what the fortune was, wouldn’t it?
I can’t stand when people do that.
No, I’m definitely going to tell you.
First, a little build-up.
I’ve read fortunes from fortune cookies since I was old enough to read.
Even before that, they were read to me by my mother and father, if I remember correctly, which I don’t, because that was such a long time ago.
A fortune from a fortune cookie is supposed to be mysterious.
It is supposed to be helpful, if ambiguous.
A good fortune cookie, along with serendipitous timing in your life, can make you wonder about the reality of oracles and other people who have visions of the future (ed. gypsies?).
A good fortune from a fortune cookie, in theory, can make you question the very existence of god.
My fortune cookie fortune boldly proclaimed “A crab wonton a day keeps the doctor away.”
Let that sink in.
Re-read it.
I would be upset if it simply stated the adage (AMERICAN adage, mind you) “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
I would already be upset if the fortune writer just came across as lazy.
Go ahead and re-read it again, I’ll wait:
“A crab wonton a day keeps the doctor away.”
They’ve twisted a very important message about eating raw fruit daily to help maintain a healthy lifestyle into this… this horrible marketing scam.
Here’s what the writer thought while he was writing it: “I think I’m a clever fortune cookie writer and I’ll probably get a raise.”
Here’s what his boss said to him when he turned it in: “Thomas, you’re our best fortune writer! Not only is this a clever play on a traditional American adage, it will increase the sales of crab wontons in our Asian partnership restaurants, and make us Bookoos of money! You’re promoted mister!!!”
I’m sure the boss slapped him on the ass, they both laughed a hearty laugh, and then they feasted together on their lunch of innocent baby souls.
As fun as that scene sounds, you’re forgetting something: they’re spreading lies.
Go ahead and read it yet again:
“A crab wonton a day keeps the doctor away.”
Have you ever enjoyed a crab wonton?
I love them.
I wish more people would eat them.
But they will NOT keep the doctor away, no matter how badly I wish they would.
They are a tiny pastry stuffed with a copious amount of cream cheese, onions, a bit of garlic or ginger, and finally crab meat, or the horrible-sounding, but cool-spelling “Krab” meat (imitation crab).
Then they are deep fried to a golden greasy brown, and served with one of several sassy sauces that have too much sugar in them.
So we’re to read this fortune and believe that eating a deep-fried cream cheese pastry a day will keep us healthy?
I have a few doctors who would disagree with that.
Children will read this and take it to heart!
Literally; because when children eat enough fried cream cheese puffs, they will surely develop a cardiac condition of some sort.
I dare you- yes, that’s right, it’s ON- I dare you to find a worse fortune cookie than mine.
You won’t be able to.
The nearest I’ve seen, I opened IMMEDIATELY after this one.
It was a bit more watered down, but ultimately still reprehensible.
It said “Reach for your dreams. Start with the spring rolls.”
…I HATE marketing.
Well I’m not going to blow it that soon.
There’s no build-up.
I WILL tell you in this blog, so don’t think that I’m trying to trick you. This would be a stupid blog if I titled it ‘The Worst Fortune Cookie Fortune OF ALL TIME!” and didn’t actually tell you what the fortune was, wouldn’t it?
I can’t stand when people do that.
No, I’m definitely going to tell you.
First, a little build-up.
I’ve read fortunes from fortune cookies since I was old enough to read.
Even before that, they were read to me by my mother and father, if I remember correctly, which I don’t, because that was such a long time ago.
A fortune from a fortune cookie is supposed to be mysterious.
It is supposed to be helpful, if ambiguous.
A good fortune cookie, along with serendipitous timing in your life, can make you wonder about the reality of oracles and other people who have visions of the future (ed. gypsies?).
A good fortune from a fortune cookie, in theory, can make you question the very existence of god.
My fortune cookie fortune boldly proclaimed “A crab wonton a day keeps the doctor away.”
Let that sink in.
Re-read it.
I would be upset if it simply stated the adage (AMERICAN adage, mind you) “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
I would already be upset if the fortune writer just came across as lazy.
Go ahead and re-read it again, I’ll wait:
“A crab wonton a day keeps the doctor away.”
They’ve twisted a very important message about eating raw fruit daily to help maintain a healthy lifestyle into this… this horrible marketing scam.
Here’s what the writer thought while he was writing it: “I think I’m a clever fortune cookie writer and I’ll probably get a raise.”
Here’s what his boss said to him when he turned it in: “Thomas, you’re our best fortune writer! Not only is this a clever play on a traditional American adage, it will increase the sales of crab wontons in our Asian partnership restaurants, and make us Bookoos of money! You’re promoted mister!!!”
I’m sure the boss slapped him on the ass, they both laughed a hearty laugh, and then they feasted together on their lunch of innocent baby souls.
As fun as that scene sounds, you’re forgetting something: they’re spreading lies.
Go ahead and read it yet again:
“A crab wonton a day keeps the doctor away.”
Have you ever enjoyed a crab wonton?
I love them.
I wish more people would eat them.
But they will NOT keep the doctor away, no matter how badly I wish they would.
They are a tiny pastry stuffed with a copious amount of cream cheese, onions, a bit of garlic or ginger, and finally crab meat, or the horrible-sounding, but cool-spelling “Krab” meat (imitation crab).
Then they are deep fried to a golden greasy brown, and served with one of several sassy sauces that have too much sugar in them.
So we’re to read this fortune and believe that eating a deep-fried cream cheese pastry a day will keep us healthy?
I have a few doctors who would disagree with that.
Children will read this and take it to heart!
Literally; because when children eat enough fried cream cheese puffs, they will surely develop a cardiac condition of some sort.
I dare you- yes, that’s right, it’s ON- I dare you to find a worse fortune cookie than mine.
You won’t be able to.
The nearest I’ve seen, I opened IMMEDIATELY after this one.
It was a bit more watered down, but ultimately still reprehensible.
It said “Reach for your dreams. Start with the spring rolls.”
…I HATE marketing.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
2 Britni, From Cassi
I <3 U!
Omg! This class is so boring! I hate algabra! Y do we even have 2 know this, right?
Did u see Derek this morning? SO cute!!!!!
I wish I was a Juneyur so I could ask him out.
Do u think he’d date a softmore? Prolly not.
Btw, my boobs r totes getting biggur. I just tried on my favorite sweater, and it totes doesn’t fit!!!!!! Can u believe that? SRSLY!!!!
So we HAVE 2 go find me a new fav sweater so I can b all like “So Derek, will you help me study math or whatever?”
What r u doing this weekend????
Tiffani’s mom is out of town, so she’s throwing a party with all of her skank friends. She asked me and asked me 2 ask u if u wanted 2 cum.
It’s gonna b stupid, but I know Derek will b there, so like I HAVE 2 go.
Which means we HAVE 2 go shopping for sweaters tonite OR ELSE!!!
I forgot my Bioligy homework 2, did u do it? I need 2 copy.
Rite me back!!!!
Luv Cassi XOXOXOX
Omg! This class is so boring! I hate algabra! Y do we even have 2 know this, right?
Did u see Derek this morning? SO cute!!!!!
I wish I was a Juneyur so I could ask him out.
Do u think he’d date a softmore? Prolly not.
Btw, my boobs r totes getting biggur. I just tried on my favorite sweater, and it totes doesn’t fit!!!!!! Can u believe that? SRSLY!!!!
So we HAVE 2 go find me a new fav sweater so I can b all like “So Derek, will you help me study math or whatever?”
What r u doing this weekend????
Tiffani’s mom is out of town, so she’s throwing a party with all of her skank friends. She asked me and asked me 2 ask u if u wanted 2 cum.
It’s gonna b stupid, but I know Derek will b there, so like I HAVE 2 go.
Which means we HAVE 2 go shopping for sweaters tonite OR ELSE!!!
I forgot my Bioligy homework 2, did u do it? I need 2 copy.
Rite me back!!!!
Luv Cassi XOXOXOX
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Brandy's Head
Brandy had a fat head.
Most people didn’t notice right away.
At first, she just looked closer.
All the time.
For no reason.
But everyone figured it out eventually.
She wasn’t closer all the time.
Her head was just fat.
It wasn’t an ugly head by any means.
On the contrary; Brandy was very pretty.
And with so much surface to cover, that just meant she had more pretty than the next girl. If say, someone was very plain-jane and had a fat head, that would be a lot of plain.
And I suppose if someone was ugly and had a fat head, most people would rudely refer to them as “that ugly person with the fat head.”
The fatness of her head didn’t magnify her beauty, but it did magnify her personality.
So I suppose it magnified her inner beauty if you want to get specific about subjective intangibles. If you do, that’s your business and I’m sure you have a good reason.
I honestly don’t know why it matters to you. Brandy’s beauty isn’t the point of the story, or else I would have started with “Brandy was a beautiful girl” and not “Brandy had a fat head.” If you look above, you can clearly see the story started with “Brandy had a fat head.”
Moving on.
Brandy didn’t pay much attention to her big fat head, and neither did most of her friends after a while, but she was noticed.
She was noticed by me in a coffee shop.
I didn’t make friends with her.
I never got to the point where, when I thought the name “Brandy” I thought “generous” or “hippie” or “we made out that one time, but things are still cool.”
I stayed stuck thinking “Brandy” = “fatheaded girl.”
She was pretty.
I think I mentioned that.
It’s my opinion anyway.
You are probably trying to picture how a girl with a fat head could possibly be pretty.
Mostly because I used the word “fat” to describe a part of the body notorious for having very little fat, compared to the gut, or thighs.
That would mean that if she had a fat head, it must be really really gross.
Her head isn’t really that fat, it’s just a bit larger than-who am I kidding? It’s fat. It’s a fat head. It was an accurate way to describe it, and I don’t apologize for your lack of imagination.
It wouldn’t be so very fat-looking if she didn’t also have thick curly hair.
I’ve studied facial/hair relations and I’ve noticed that usually beauty comes from them offsetting each other.
If you have a long narrow face, having your hair bounce out on the sides makes you look infinitely more beautiful than having long straight hair to match your long vampyre face.
So to summarize: Brandy had fat hair on all sides of her fat head.
You might think that such a thick mane with such a large head, must have made her look a bit like a female lion.
Well you’re forgetting that it’s the male lions who wear the dreadlocks.
Brandy was a lesbian.
Well not completely, I mean, she wasn’t committing one way or another, and she was still young enough to experiment, so it didn’t really matter anyway, but she hated Jeremy so much for cheating on her because he’s such a jerk, and all men are jerks, and she should just become a lesbian, right?
As you can probably guess, Brandy had a lot to learn.
And a lot to retain, mind you.
She was already good at that, because of her fat head.
She sat at the coffee shop drinking her Topico water, which is always good if there’s nothing more exciting to drink than bubbly tap water.
She chattered with her friends, probably talking about how dark and mysterious and cool I was, sitting on my laptop in the corner of the room.
I paid her no mind, save the occasional glance to be sure she wasn’t moving closer, which she seemed to be, but never was.
Then, as slowly as a dying relationship, she and her friends walked out of the coffee shop and out of my life.
As she left, I noticed that her ankles were the smallest I’d ever seen…
Most people didn’t notice right away.
At first, she just looked closer.
All the time.
For no reason.
But everyone figured it out eventually.
She wasn’t closer all the time.
Her head was just fat.
It wasn’t an ugly head by any means.
On the contrary; Brandy was very pretty.
And with so much surface to cover, that just meant she had more pretty than the next girl. If say, someone was very plain-jane and had a fat head, that would be a lot of plain.
And I suppose if someone was ugly and had a fat head, most people would rudely refer to them as “that ugly person with the fat head.”
The fatness of her head didn’t magnify her beauty, but it did magnify her personality.
So I suppose it magnified her inner beauty if you want to get specific about subjective intangibles. If you do, that’s your business and I’m sure you have a good reason.
I honestly don’t know why it matters to you. Brandy’s beauty isn’t the point of the story, or else I would have started with “Brandy was a beautiful girl” and not “Brandy had a fat head.” If you look above, you can clearly see the story started with “Brandy had a fat head.”
Moving on.
Brandy didn’t pay much attention to her big fat head, and neither did most of her friends after a while, but she was noticed.
She was noticed by me in a coffee shop.
I didn’t make friends with her.
I never got to the point where, when I thought the name “Brandy” I thought “generous” or “hippie” or “we made out that one time, but things are still cool.”
I stayed stuck thinking “Brandy” = “fatheaded girl.”
She was pretty.
I think I mentioned that.
It’s my opinion anyway.
You are probably trying to picture how a girl with a fat head could possibly be pretty.
Mostly because I used the word “fat” to describe a part of the body notorious for having very little fat, compared to the gut, or thighs.
That would mean that if she had a fat head, it must be really really gross.
Her head isn’t really that fat, it’s just a bit larger than-who am I kidding? It’s fat. It’s a fat head. It was an accurate way to describe it, and I don’t apologize for your lack of imagination.
It wouldn’t be so very fat-looking if she didn’t also have thick curly hair.
I’ve studied facial/hair relations and I’ve noticed that usually beauty comes from them offsetting each other.
If you have a long narrow face, having your hair bounce out on the sides makes you look infinitely more beautiful than having long straight hair to match your long vampyre face.
So to summarize: Brandy had fat hair on all sides of her fat head.
You might think that such a thick mane with such a large head, must have made her look a bit like a female lion.
Well you’re forgetting that it’s the male lions who wear the dreadlocks.
Brandy was a lesbian.
Well not completely, I mean, she wasn’t committing one way or another, and she was still young enough to experiment, so it didn’t really matter anyway, but she hated Jeremy so much for cheating on her because he’s such a jerk, and all men are jerks, and she should just become a lesbian, right?
As you can probably guess, Brandy had a lot to learn.
And a lot to retain, mind you.
She was already good at that, because of her fat head.
She sat at the coffee shop drinking her Topico water, which is always good if there’s nothing more exciting to drink than bubbly tap water.
She chattered with her friends, probably talking about how dark and mysterious and cool I was, sitting on my laptop in the corner of the room.
I paid her no mind, save the occasional glance to be sure she wasn’t moving closer, which she seemed to be, but never was.
Then, as slowly as a dying relationship, she and her friends walked out of the coffee shop and out of my life.
As she left, I noticed that her ankles were the smallest I’d ever seen…
Saturday, August 1, 2009
To My Six-Year-Old Son
How did you get in here?
I thought I locked that door.
No, Daddy does love you; he just needs special video game alone time.
…
So he won’t go crazy.
You can stay in here if you promise to be quiet.
Hey look at me, buddy.
Promise?
…
Do you promise to be quiet?
Ok then.
…
…
…
…
That’s a laser gun. Like in cartoons.
…
…
That man isn’t hurt, he’s an alien. Aliens don’t have feelings.
…
That’s a force-field; Daddy has to blow that up to get into the base.
…
No, they’re all just sleeping.
You promised me you’d be quiet.
…
…
What?
…
Ha-ha! You should ask Mommy that.
…
Because mommies know the answer. Daddies don’t know where babies come from because mommies keep it a secret.
…
Yes, Mommy keeps it a secret.
I think it involves a pterodactyl. You should ask her about that.
…
It’s a dinosaur that flies. I gave you that big book of dinosaurs; don’t you ever look at that?
…
Yes, you came from an egg, like the dinosaurs.
…
No, breakfast eggs are different.
…
No, those are chicken babies.
…
Because people babies don’t get eaten; people babies grow up to ask their daddies all kinds of questions.
…
Like the questions you’re asking me.
…
The ones you’ve been asking me.
…
Like that one, just there.
…
…
Of course I love you.
…
I love you and your mommy equally.
…
I love you too.
Do you love me or mommy more?
…
Really?
…
Why?
…
…
…
…
…
Well then I guess I love mommy more too.
…
Well you made such a convincing case for her; I think I actually do love her a little more than you now.
…
Because mommy and I can always make another baby if you don’t clean your room.
We can even give him your name and all your toys, so no one will know you’re gone.
…
…
Then you’d better be good, so we don’t have to make a better baby to replace you.
That sounds like mommy’s home, why don’t you go ask her about pterodactyls and where babies come from?
…
…
…
…
…
…
Hi honey, how was work-
…
I just told him to ask you-
…
Now look, don’t get upset, I was just kid-
…
He’s fine! Why are you yelling?
…
…
He’s not crying!
…
Well he wasn’t crying a minute ago, he only cries when you’re around!
He knows you’ll give him whatever he wants.
…
No. You’re being manipulated. He doesn’t care about what I said; he just wants you to baby him!
…
Yeah, great, take him out for ice cream to cheer him up; I’m sure B.F. Skinner would have a little something to say about that.
…
Fine then!
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
I hope they both drop their stupid ice creams.
Jerks.
…
…
…
I thought I locked that door.
No, Daddy does love you; he just needs special video game alone time.
…
So he won’t go crazy.
You can stay in here if you promise to be quiet.
Hey look at me, buddy.
Promise?
…
Do you promise to be quiet?
Ok then.
…
…
…
…
That’s a laser gun. Like in cartoons.
…
…
That man isn’t hurt, he’s an alien. Aliens don’t have feelings.
…
That’s a force-field; Daddy has to blow that up to get into the base.
…
No, they’re all just sleeping.
You promised me you’d be quiet.
…
…
What?
…
Ha-ha! You should ask Mommy that.
…
Because mommies know the answer. Daddies don’t know where babies come from because mommies keep it a secret.
…
Yes, Mommy keeps it a secret.
I think it involves a pterodactyl. You should ask her about that.
…
It’s a dinosaur that flies. I gave you that big book of dinosaurs; don’t you ever look at that?
…
Yes, you came from an egg, like the dinosaurs.
…
No, breakfast eggs are different.
…
No, those are chicken babies.
…
Because people babies don’t get eaten; people babies grow up to ask their daddies all kinds of questions.
…
Like the questions you’re asking me.
…
The ones you’ve been asking me.
…
Like that one, just there.
…
…
Of course I love you.
…
I love you and your mommy equally.
…
I love you too.
Do you love me or mommy more?
…
Really?
…
Why?
…
…
…
…
…
Well then I guess I love mommy more too.
…
Well you made such a convincing case for her; I think I actually do love her a little more than you now.
…
Because mommy and I can always make another baby if you don’t clean your room.
We can even give him your name and all your toys, so no one will know you’re gone.
…
…
Then you’d better be good, so we don’t have to make a better baby to replace you.
That sounds like mommy’s home, why don’t you go ask her about pterodactyls and where babies come from?
…
…
…
…
…
…
Hi honey, how was work-
…
I just told him to ask you-
…
Now look, don’t get upset, I was just kid-
…
He’s fine! Why are you yelling?
…
…
He’s not crying!
…
Well he wasn’t crying a minute ago, he only cries when you’re around!
He knows you’ll give him whatever he wants.
…
No. You’re being manipulated. He doesn’t care about what I said; he just wants you to baby him!
…
Yeah, great, take him out for ice cream to cheer him up; I’m sure B.F. Skinner would have a little something to say about that.
…
Fine then!
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
I hope they both drop their stupid ice creams.
Jerks.
…
…
…
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