Writer's Block... I think...

I’m stumped.
I can’t think of a single thing to write. I told my brain that this time was the time to come up with something.
I even scheduled it on my calendar.
Here I am sitting and staring at my computer.
What should I write about?

Today I want to write something funny.
Well how about an infomercial?
No, I’ve done enough of those for a while.
How about a fake letter.
No, I just did that.
How about-
How about you shut up and let me think for a minute! Jesus. You’re always talking and offering suggestions, but you don’t know what I like anymore. You don’t know me.
I’m just trying to help.
Well stop trying to help. Just give me some space to breathe! Jesus, I feel like I’m suffocating with all the ideas you’re trying to force me to do.
I’m sorry.
Well, I’m sorry I yelled at you.
What would you like to write about?
I don’t know! Can’t we talk about something else ever?!
Ok.
Ok then!
…
Shit, I’m sorry.
…
I’m just going through a lot right now, and sitting here trying to write something is putting a lot of pressure on me, you know?
I know.
Well, I don’t mean to snap at you, and I know you’re just trying to help.
…
I’m sorry.
I also apologize. Maybe I should just let you do your own thing for a while. You’re good at coming up with ideas.
No I’m not, YOU are. You’re the part of my brain that comes up with ideas. I’m the part that is impassioned and temperamental and proud of it!
I can do other things too.
…
It’s true. I’m the part that’s abstract and thinks on a higher plane.
Are you condescending to me?
What?! No-
Yes you are. You’re saying you’re better than me because you can think of big stupid things like God and Politics and Ethics and Energy and Soul-krap-stuff!
That doesn’t mean I’m better than you.
You’re damn right it doesn’t! Let me tell you something pal; I’m down to earth. I’m with the people. I’m not all hoity-toity. I’m gritty. I’m mean. I’m like a lone-wolf bounty hunter private investigator renegade, ok? People would KILL to be like me in real life.
I’m sure they would.
Well you just watch your mouth, ‘cuz I’m also a loaded gun.
…It seems like it’s very easy to upset you today.
Yeah, so?
I’m just saying.
So maybe I’m a little uptight today. I can admit that. my job is very stressful. You just come up with the ideas, I’m the one that has to hammer them out with fingers and sweat and tears and blood and stuff.
You bleed and sweat when you type?
No, but. You know, it’s a saying.
I see. Well this seems to have gone rather poorly. Shall we try again soon?
Yeah I guess. I’ll take a break and have an imaginary cigarette and cool off, ok?
Sounds good.
This didn’t turn out very funny.
Not really, no.
Well what if I tell a joke.
I don’t think that will help.
Oh come on!!!
Very well.
So there’s this Jewish nun, right?
Right.
…
…
Get it?
Is that the whole joke?
Well, it’s based on true life, so I think people can relate to it in a real sense.
There’s no punch line.
…
That’s like saying “so there’s the Eiffel tower” and then that’s supposed to be a joke.
…You didn’t like it.
Well… I was expecting a real joke, not something you just made up.
Yeah I know.
Let’s just try again in a bit, ok?
K. Bye.
Goodbye.

A Letter to the Hunched Pines Retirement Community Administration

To Whom It May Concern,

I have taken about as much as I can stand here. I have tried my hardest to keep the peace and pretend that everything is fine, but let me assure you, everything is NOT fine. I am NOT enjoying my stay at Hunched Pines Retirement Community.
The food is horrible, the televisions are mostly black and white, and the soda machines cost 75 cents!!! Who ever heard of a Coca-Cola that cost 75 cents!? It’s highway robbery!
I’d also like to point attention to nurse Dove. She has been refusing my advances lately. If she’s not interested in me, she should keep her hands to herself, and dress like she has a husband, if indeed she has one, which I do not think that she does. And if she is interested in me, like I think she is, then she needs to stop refusing my caresses and kisses. I think you should address this with her. Or fire her to let her know you’re serious, and then rehire her.
I am tired of hearing people die also. It is not a pleasant sound, let me tell you. Apparently however, your faculty treats the sounds of the elderly passing away like it’s the best Benny Goodman concert they ever did hear.
I think something is strange about that Derek fellow. He always gives people the most horrible smile. Especially he can hear someone in the building who is dying. He looks like a snake. Also, I think he’s after nurse Dove, who has the hots for me, if I’m not mistaken. So I also hate him because of that. Also, he’s a snake.
My most important point is about sex. I know how much you hate hearing your elders talk about sex, but believe me; it’s as natural as a flower that’s nearly withered away. How am I ever going to convince nurse Dove to go steady with me, if we’re always forced to keep our doors open? If we don’t get intimate soon, I’m afraid she might lose interest. I might lose interest too. Well, probably not. She’s lovely and reminds me of my dead wife Helen. I’ve told her this on several occasions before sliding my hand over her bosom or thigh, but usually she slaps it. You need to have a word with her about that.
And another thing, I can’t believe how much a Coca-Cola costs! 75 cents per bottle?? Who ever heard of such a thing?! And also, you need to be SURE to get the Coca-Cola bottles. I think some of those bottles might be cans! You’re probably getting the raw end of the stick from your soda guy. Get that fixed, and also don’t forget to talk to nurse Dove.

-Sincerely,
Elmer Winkle

Change Your Life NOW! with Larray Fawlbs

Everyone thinks dogs are smart.
Most people are stupid.
Coincidence?
Hi, I’m Larray Fawlbs, and I’m an expert.
You know, people come to me with their problems and I tell them to forget about it.
Life’s too short!
Did you know that?
Well, you’d better.
Or else.
No, I’m not threatening you, I’m trying to scare you into a better you!
Join me at my intensive, life-changing, 4 hour seminar this weekend.
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I should know! I took it!
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I’m a millionaire, an internationally recognized seminar instructor, and a world-class chef!
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So come on down y’all!

Evolution And The Worm

I recently visited my father’s house.
I was outside talking on the phone and after the conversation, as I was walking back into the house, I saw an earthworm on the sidewalk inching along.
The earthworm looked so neat crawling slowly that I wanted to pick him up and watch him extend this way and that like a snail’s eyestalk. I’m sure some of you know what I’m talking about.
Before I type what happened next I’d just like to say that I love fishing, I play with bugs, and I am familiar with earthworms at least as much as anyone else who isn’t squeamish about touching and experimenting with slimy things, sharp things, or crawly sticky things.
I went to pick up the earthworm and as my finger barely grazed it, the earthworm started thrashing around violently. I’ve seen earthworms move before. I’ve seen them move after being pierced with a hook for god’s sake. And not when they’re all refrigerated and sluggish, but when they’re freshly caught and put into an empty mason jar for bait.
I’ve never seen an earthworm thrash around the way this one did.
The way it moved was almost alien, even ignoring the fact that earthworms look like they were invented by science fiction writers.
I kept thinking about the worm and how it moved all night.
I thought about all of the times I’ve seen a tiny bug that I’ve never seen before. Maybe one that hovers in midair in a strange fashion, or has brightly coloured markings with a strange pattern I’ve never seen.
I thought about evolution.
I remembered an article I read about how we might be able to fight cancer in the near future by using frog venom. (http://www.adelaide.edu.au/lumen/issues/16381/news16387.html)
If you aren’t interested in reading the article, I’ll basically say that researchers have found the cellular equivalent of James Bond(frog peptide) tricking his way into an enemy spy plane(cancer cell), strapping on a parachute, blowing open the side of the plane, and parachuting to safety as the plane crashes into the mountains.
All of my thinking and theorizing (I think about evolution much more than any normal person should) boils down to this:
Even though we don’t allow ourselves to evolve through natural selection anymore because of technology, it is this very same technology that will save us by allowing us to STEAL EVERY OTHER SPECIES’ DEFENSE MECHANISMS.
So what if a lot of us need corrective lenses of some kind? So what if some of us are born without the use of our limbs? So what if NOT A SINGLE HUMAN BEING can fight a gorilla hand-to-hand and come out on top?!
It ultimately will work out because… we don’t give our technology to other species.
Granted, we do engage in charity work and save other species when they themselves are too apathetic to go extinct (Panda, I’m glaring directly at you), but we don’t give frogs glasses.
We don’t give frogs antibiotics, or iron lungs, or guns to help them even the playing field against their predators (and help against frog intruders breaking and entering their little frog homes).
So let’s say there’s a horrible disease that comes along and wipes out a LOT of the insects in the world, but doesn’t affect anything else.
Then it mutates and affects a LOT of reptiles, amphibians, and platypuses, but still leaves us alone.
By the time it mutates to start killing humans, we’ll have all the research we need on how it works, why it does what it does, and how all the lucky insects, reptiles, and tiny mammals survived.
Oh, it seems the lucky ones had a special enzyme that blah blah blah…
We’ll simply take a shot, or a pill, and BAM! Not an issue for Homo sapiens (at least, not the ones who can afford the shots and pills, anyway).
So why did I bring up the earthworm?
Well it seems to me that there are a lot of archaic ways of thinking still existing in our world (religion, I’m glaring directly at you now).
There seems to be a general consensus that evolution takes FOREVER to happen.
In reality, it’s this simple: you have a toxic factory that kills off almost all the moths in the area. A boy moth and a girl moth aren’t affected. They have a baby. Evolution just happened (did you catch it or did you blink?). By nature of genetics, that moth baby will be fine.
So why, when humans are evolving at an exponential rate (and we are because technology is how we evolve now, did you know that?), why do we not expect the same from nature?
Hell, we’re changing the planet fast enough; although scientists aren’t sure Earth isn’t just changing on its own because planets are unpredictable.
Regardless of THAT jury being out, we are changing the landscape of cities and urban and slightly rural portions of the Earth.
So wouldn’t all the lifeforms in that climate be swept up in the evolution hurricane? Does a squirrel in the middle of campus walk up to you and pester you for food?
Wait, aren’t squirrels as a species afraid of humans?
Isn’t it just conditioning, where student feeding is giving a Pavlovian/Skinner response and training the squirrels?
Well, what’s to say that the squirrels aren’t breeding themselves to be friendlier to humans from birth and thus evolving into a new species of FriendlySquirrel®?
I have no evidence to support any of this one way or another, but it’s something I think about.
And it’s something I hope you’ll begin to think about too.

***Addendum***
check this out: http://io9.com/5315841/unidentified-biological-goo-15-miles-long-creeps-down-alaskan-coast

Remake Buster Keaton's The General, Starring Vince Vaughn

So I was thinking recently about how many silent movies there are.

It seems like the only thing that could make them better would be to go back and add sound!

They go back and colour old black and white movies to make them look cooler, so why haven’t they dubbed over silent movies yet?

I know! It’s CRAZY!!!

I think there must be some kind of technology preventing us from doing that, so I came up with a solution that will do those crusty old movies justice: remake them!!!

I think we should start with Buster Keaton’s The General.

And who better to play Buster Keaton than Vince Vaughn?!

So here’s my badass treatment for:

Buster Keaton’s The General: Sultan’s Shindig

Ok, so Vince Vaughn is Buster Keaton and plays this general. But the Civil War was too long ago, and most people don’t know it happened anymore, so he’s a general in the Iraq war against terrorists, because people relate to that now and it’s in the news.

So he’s like all depressed and stuff because he was dating this girl in the army, only he has to keep it a secret, because that shit is TOTALLY illegal. He has like hidden pictures of her in his boots that he looks at sometimes, and the audience is like “That’s so sad.”

(chicks dig heart-string movies, so we can show some of this in the trailer and BAM, women will totally flock to this movie like ants on rice!)

So we see that he’s like a drunkard and stuff, and his best friend, who is also a general and also Owen Wilson is like “dude, she’s dead. You gotta get over it.” And Vince Vaughn is like “how?” And then we’re totally going to see how.

Owen Wilson secretly makes plans and takes him on this secret best friend cheer up bachelor party mission into this secret city that’s called the Sultan’s Sin City, and it’s like all talked about in the military base and forbidden to go to and stuff.

Anyway, they get there and you’d better hang onto your pork pie hat buster, because here comes the comedy pie! First, there’s this girl, who’s really pretty, and the best friend, still played by Owen Wilson, convinces the Sultan who owns the bar to make her give Vince Vaughn a lapdance for free. So Owen goes to Vince and he’s like “I’ve got a surprise for you.” And Vince looks at the pretty girl, and she looks back, and then she steps aside, and there’s this huge fat ugly Iraq stripper girl just behind who smiles at him. The music “My Humps” by Gwen Stefani plays and Owen and Vince are all like stutter-city, and she runs over and jumps on Vince Vaughn’s lap, which breaks the chair he’s sitting in (the audience will totally laugh at this so hard because she’s fat and she broke a chair AND she’s trying to be sexy!)

Then the air raid sirens go off and the army is all like storming the city, and Owen Wilson and all the other guys bail, but Vince Vaughn is stuck under the fat stripper (remember, from earlier?! Hilarious!)

So then the army all comes in, and the stripper has fallen asleep because she’s used up too much energy squirming around, and Vince Vaughn hides under her (Ironic!).

Then the army leaves and he’s like “oh my god, I’m stuck here,” and he wedges himself out from under the fat stripper with the help of A TALKING MONKEY!!! (important note: real monkeys can’t talk, so we’ll have to call in the CGI team or something)

And the monkey takes him all through the city and it’s weird, because this monkey is really smart (Ironic because monkeys AREN’T smart!).

There’s this awesome montage of them getting into all kinds of hilarious buddy pranks like spray painting things and egging Iraq houses (Go America!) and throwing firecrackers ( which freak people out because firecrackers sound like guns, so it’s a good prank).

Then Vince Vaughn is like “Bananas McGee (the full name of the monkey) we’re wasting time! I have a job to do for my country.”

And we see a flashback to his girlfriend talking to him about what it means to be an American and stuff (It doesn’t matter what she says, but we should be sure it’s really sad and romantic and stuff so women will be like “I relate to her so much”).

Then Vince Vaughn and the monkey decide to sneak into the Sultan’s palace, but to do so, Vince has to dress up like an Iraq girl stripper, and the best scene in the movie happens:

Vince Vaughn has to dance for the Sultan, and the CGI monkey is like totally there dancing too (hilarious!), and the Sultan is enjoying it because he doesn’t know he’s not supposed to! (Americans will be like “Go America!!!” at this point)

Then Vince Vaughn dances his way sexily into the secret control room behind the Sultan’s chair and the Sultan passes out or something and Vince Vaughn is like “Oh my God! There are so many nukes!!!” (The audience will be like “oh no!”)

So Vince Vaughn calls in the army, and they come save the day like a swat team, and then Owen Wilson sees Vince Vaughn in his lady girl dress and he’s like “enjoying yourself?” and Vince talks really fastly about how he wasn’t enjoying himself and it was for America (you know the way Vince Vaughn talks really fast? Like that. That’s why we have to get him for this movie, because of this part!)

Then the monkey gives Owen Wilson a wedgie and the music kicks in, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” as the credits roll.