Jon Clinkenbeard's Politics

I am extremely political. I believe that Americans should get the things that they want.
I support health. All Americans have a right to health. Sometimes people may not be able to afford health. Those people aren’t Americans.
It’s our job as Americans to help them; maybe even give them some of our health.
Doctors are good. Hospitals are good. I think we can all agree that they are important to health. American health. Your health.
What about medicines?
Medicines have a long history of health.
Healths and medicines are like peanut and butter.
I support medicines.
I want Americans to have plenty of healths.

I also believe in other issues that are important.
Immigration.
Immigration is about people.
People who are immigrating, and people who live in the cities the people who are immigrating are immigrating to.
I will say firmly right now that I support people.

People are the key to our economy.
That means our economy is like the lock.
We have to open up our economy and take the goodies inside.
What if the goodies are treasures like diamonds and golds?
Do we want to be stuck without an economy?
I can relate to you, because I know I want an economy.
Like you, I believe the economy is important.

My opponent slings mud in the form of words; mud-words.
Well let me just tell you that he went to college.
People in college do drugs and sleep around.
People in college are irresponsible and drink too much.
Do you really want an alcoholic druggie gigolo in the white house?
I don’t.
My children don’t either.

Children are precious.
Like diamonds.
But children are also soft.
Children are soft diamonds.
Children and future.
Peanut and butter.
We must care for our children. We must teach them that they go with future.
They must grow up.
We must be firm about this.
We cannot let our children not grow up without future.
What kind of world has no children and no future?
Not a world I want to live in.
Not a world for my children.
I am a fan of the tiny people that we call children.

Foreign relations are important.
America doesn’t live in the world alone.
We have to cooperate with foreigns.
The world is large, but getting smaller.
Technology, foreigns, world.
They all must be friends to share peace.
Some foreigns aren’t friends.
They must be dealt with as enemies.
We will use our other friends: technology and world, to form a club where our enemies are not allowed until they become our friends.
Then, and only then, will foreigns, technology, world, and America have friendship.
Friendship is important.
I am pro-friendship.

Oil and drilling.
This issue confused people.
Here’s why: Oil is good. Drilling is bad.
We must drill to have oil.
This is a classic case of doing something bad to get something good.
I love oil.
I use it in my car to make it go.
I go to work every day with the power of oil.
I am an American.
I bet some of you use oil in your cars too.
We’re alike, you and I.
People who hate oil say that we can use green instead.
I say, why not make oil green?
Why throw all the oil away, when it’s still perfectly good?
If we make oil green, everyone will be happy.
I am for making people happy.
I say go green with oil!

People are talking a lot about gay.
They say gay marriage and gay rights.
I hear them.
Other people say straight.
They say straight marriage and straight god.
I listen.
I am a listener who hears both sides when people talk.
I support listening.
It is important to hear when people are talking.
I can promise that I am a listener who truly hears.

So when you go to the voting, remember:
Jon Clinkenbeard supports health and medicines.
Jon Clinkenbeard firmly supports people and friendships.
Jon Clinkenbeard believes the economy is important.
My opponent is an alcoholic drugged-out liar with STDs.

Who do you want to be president of America?
You want Jon Clinkenbeard to be president of America.

The Worst Fortune Cookie Fortune OF ALL TIME.

I bet you thought that I’d say it right off the bat; the worst fortune cookie fortune of all time.
Well I’m not going to blow it that soon.
There’s no build-up.
I WILL tell you in this blog, so don’t think that I’m trying to trick you. This would be a stupid blog if I titled it ‘The Worst Fortune Cookie Fortune OF ALL TIME!” and didn’t actually tell you what the fortune was, wouldn’t it?
I can’t stand when people do that.
No, I’m definitely going to tell you.

First, a little build-up.
I’ve read fortunes from fortune cookies since I was old enough to read.
Even before that, they were read to me by my mother and father, if I remember correctly, which I don’t, because that was such a long time ago.
A fortune from a fortune cookie is supposed to be mysterious.
It is supposed to be helpful, if ambiguous.
A good fortune cookie, along with serendipitous timing in your life, can make you wonder about the reality of oracles and other people who have visions of the future (ed. gypsies?).
A good fortune from a fortune cookie, in theory, can make you question the very existence of god.

My fortune cookie fortune boldly proclaimed “A crab wonton a day keeps the doctor away.”

Let that sink in.
Re-read it.
I would be upset if it simply stated the adage (AMERICAN adage, mind you) “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
I would already be upset if the fortune writer just came across as lazy.
Go ahead and re-read it again, I’ll wait:
“A crab wonton a day keeps the doctor away.”
They’ve twisted a very important message about eating raw fruit daily to help maintain a healthy lifestyle into this… this horrible marketing scam.
Here’s what the writer thought while he was writing it: “I think I’m a clever fortune cookie writer and I’ll probably get a raise.”
Here’s what his boss said to him when he turned it in: “Thomas, you’re our best fortune writer! Not only is this a clever play on a traditional American adage, it will increase the sales of crab wontons in our Asian partnership restaurants, and make us Bookoos of money! You’re promoted mister!!!”
I’m sure the boss slapped him on the ass, they both laughed a hearty laugh, and then they feasted together on their lunch of innocent baby souls.

As fun as that scene sounds, you’re forgetting something: they’re spreading lies.
Go ahead and read it yet again:
“A crab wonton a day keeps the doctor away.”
Have you ever enjoyed a crab wonton?
I love them.
I wish more people would eat them.
But they will NOT keep the doctor away, no matter how badly I wish they would.
They are a tiny pastry stuffed with a copious amount of cream cheese, onions, a bit of garlic or ginger, and finally crab meat, or the horrible-sounding, but cool-spelling “Krab” meat (imitation crab).
Then they are deep fried to a golden greasy brown, and served with one of several sassy sauces that have too much sugar in them.

So we’re to read this fortune and believe that eating a deep-fried cream cheese pastry a day will keep us healthy?
I have a few doctors who would disagree with that.
Children will read this and take it to heart!
Literally; because when children eat enough fried cream cheese puffs, they will surely develop a cardiac condition of some sort.

I dare you- yes, that’s right, it’s ON- I dare you to find a worse fortune cookie than mine.
You won’t be able to.
The nearest I’ve seen, I opened IMMEDIATELY after this one.
It was a bit more watered down, but ultimately still reprehensible.
It said “Reach for your dreams. Start with the spring rolls.”
…I HATE marketing.

Sunflower Oil Is Better For You

So here’s a thought I just had.

We as Americans feel guilty about being fat.

And while a lot of us are overweight, I’m not, and I’m still forced to feel bad.

BUT, the way things are going, we’re starting to trick ourselves into thinking things are good for us, instead of just accepting that not everything has to be good for us, and we can and should actually decide to be healthy.

 

Here’s my example: I purchased a lunch from panera today. The sandwich was great, the pickle was good. And it came with a small bag of potato chips. I also bought some apples, and I thought I’d eat an apple instead of the chips, but then I saw the bag and it says “honestly delicious---natural---cooked in 100%sunflower oil” and I immediately thought. “oh, it’s just fine to eat.” I know NOTHING about sunflower oil! Only that is sounds prettier than other oils. Advertising is so sneaky! They’re just kettle chips! Potatoes cut into thin pieces and deep fried in oil, then topped with salt. They aren’t GOOD for me even with three absolutely natural ingredients: oil, potatoes, salt. But they are delicious, and I did just buy a lot of apples, and wait a minute- why the hell should I care anyway? Who the fuck has warped my brain into thinking this way? It makes me feel like a wuss. Advertising and media have turned me into this second-guessing-21^st-century-pansy-just-health-conscious-but-not-health-crazy-and-who-made-up-these-labels-anyway-for-me-to-stick-on-my-forhead-so-they-can-stick-me-in-an-easy-demographic-group-those-ASSHOLES!

 

Maybe I should start eating raw steaks that I cook with bullets.

Then people won’t say

“Oh, there’s Jon Clinkenbeard. He looks like he’s taking good care of himself.”

 

They’ll say

“WHAT do you MEAN you haven’t heard of Jon Clinkenbeard!?! He eats raw steaks that he shoots all to hell with a fucking .44 magnum, just to warm it up first!”

 

Here’s an idea: why don’t we all enjoy life a little more and not let media dictate how we feel and think about ourselves?

Seriously. Be conscious of your thoughts. It’s so easy for us to fall into a trap of thinking things that we’ve heard.

That’s why there’s always that one guy at a party whose friends all tell him he’s funny because he constantly quotes funny movies.

You know what happens to that guy? One night, he tries to be funny on his own.

He thinks “I’ve seen enough funny movies. I’m sure that makes me funny! Now it’s my time to shine. Tell em a joke Derek!”

All of you will have been talking all night about what a horrible human being he is

And then he will turn to you and your friends and ask “do you wanna hear a joke?”

 

Your wise friend will say “no” and walk away.

You and your morbidly curious friend will both say “absolutely” and lean forward in your chairs, expecting the verbal equivalent of a bad movie.

And he will tell you a joke that everyone’s heard before, only he will add details that detract from the story, he will use dialogue that exemplifies his lack of formal education, and he will butcher the punchline so horribly that you won’t even recognize the story is over when it’s over and he’s waiting expectantly for you to laugh your head off. The worst part about the realization you will have, is that he didn’t fuck it up because he’s drunk. It’s because he’s an idiot, incapable of a single original idea.

And it’s not a funny thought for you to have.

It’s a sad thought.

It’s a “what happens to make people like this?” thought.

It’s a “he’ll never ever amount to anything or add anything of value to the human race” thought.

 

That man’s brain has turned into a sponge, unable to generate even the one thing which makes him happy. We’re all unique. We all have something to add. We need to think for ourselves and be true to our passions.

Everything else is just a distraction.

 

I’m going to start by helping my friends.

I’m going to go buy a big bar of chocolate and find three people who are close to me to share it with.

And if I even hear ONE word about how they aren’t supposed to be eating chocolate, or how they’re being “bad,” I’m going to slap them in the mouth. HARD. I’m going to tell them to enjoy having a friend who buys them chocolate and better yet, to enjoy the fact that chocolate exists so that we don’t have to eat cold tofu morning, noon, and night.