Brandy's Head

Brandy had a fat head.
Most people didn’t notice right away.
At first, she just looked closer.
All the time.
For no reason.
But everyone figured it out eventually.
She wasn’t closer all the time.
Her head was just fat.
It wasn’t an ugly head by any means.
On the contrary; Brandy was very pretty.
And with so much surface to cover, that just meant she had more pretty than the next girl. If say, someone was very plain-jane and had a fat head, that would be a lot of plain.
And I suppose if someone was ugly and had a fat head, most people would rudely refer to them as “that ugly person with the fat head.”
The fatness of her head didn’t magnify her beauty, but it did magnify her personality.
So I suppose it magnified her inner beauty if you want to get specific about subjective intangibles. If you do, that’s your business and I’m sure you have a good reason.
I honestly don’t know why it matters to you. Brandy’s beauty isn’t the point of the story, or else I would have started with “Brandy was a beautiful girl” and not “Brandy had a fat head.” If you look above, you can clearly see the story started with “Brandy had a fat head.”
Moving on.
Brandy didn’t pay much attention to her big fat head, and neither did most of her friends after a while, but she was noticed.
She was noticed by me in a coffee shop.
I didn’t make friends with her.
I never got to the point where, when I thought the name “Brandy” I thought “generous” or “hippie” or “we made out that one time, but things are still cool.”
I stayed stuck thinking “Brandy” = “fatheaded girl.”
She was pretty.
I think I mentioned that.
It’s my opinion anyway.
You are probably trying to picture how a girl with a fat head could possibly be pretty.
Mostly because I used the word “fat” to describe a part of the body notorious for having very little fat, compared to the gut, or thighs.
That would mean that if she had a fat head, it must be really really gross.
Her head isn’t really that fat, it’s just a bit larger than-who am I kidding? It’s fat. It’s a fat head. It was an accurate way to describe it, and I don’t apologize for your lack of imagination.
It wouldn’t be so very fat-looking if she didn’t also have thick curly hair.
I’ve studied facial/hair relations and I’ve noticed that usually beauty comes from them offsetting each other.
If you have a long narrow face, having your hair bounce out on the sides makes you look infinitely more beautiful than having long straight hair to match your long vampyre face.
So to summarize: Brandy had fat hair on all sides of her fat head.
You might think that such a thick mane with such a large head, must have made her look a bit like a female lion.
Well you’re forgetting that it’s the male lions who wear the dreadlocks.
Brandy was a lesbian.
Well not completely, I mean, she wasn’t committing one way or another, and she was still young enough to experiment, so it didn’t really matter anyway, but she hated Jeremy so much for cheating on her because he’s such a jerk, and all men are jerks, and she should just become a lesbian, right?
As you can probably guess, Brandy had a lot to learn.
And a lot to retain, mind you.
She was already good at that, because of her fat head.
She sat at the coffee shop drinking her Topico water, which is always good if there’s nothing more exciting to drink than bubbly tap water.
She chattered with her friends, probably talking about how dark and mysterious and cool I was, sitting on my laptop in the corner of the room.
I paid her no mind, save the occasional glance to be sure she wasn’t moving closer, which she seemed to be, but never was.
Then, as slowly as a dying relationship, she and her friends walked out of the coffee shop and out of my life.
As she left, I noticed that her ankles were the smallest I’d ever seen…

Sunflower Oil Is Better For You

So here’s a thought I just had.

We as Americans feel guilty about being fat.

And while a lot of us are overweight, I’m not, and I’m still forced to feel bad.

BUT, the way things are going, we’re starting to trick ourselves into thinking things are good for us, instead of just accepting that not everything has to be good for us, and we can and should actually decide to be healthy.

 

Here’s my example: I purchased a lunch from panera today. The sandwich was great, the pickle was good. And it came with a small bag of potato chips. I also bought some apples, and I thought I’d eat an apple instead of the chips, but then I saw the bag and it says “honestly delicious---natural---cooked in 100%sunflower oil” and I immediately thought. “oh, it’s just fine to eat.” I know NOTHING about sunflower oil! Only that is sounds prettier than other oils. Advertising is so sneaky! They’re just kettle chips! Potatoes cut into thin pieces and deep fried in oil, then topped with salt. They aren’t GOOD for me even with three absolutely natural ingredients: oil, potatoes, salt. But they are delicious, and I did just buy a lot of apples, and wait a minute- why the hell should I care anyway? Who the fuck has warped my brain into thinking this way? It makes me feel like a wuss. Advertising and media have turned me into this second-guessing-21^st-century-pansy-just-health-conscious-but-not-health-crazy-and-who-made-up-these-labels-anyway-for-me-to-stick-on-my-forhead-so-they-can-stick-me-in-an-easy-demographic-group-those-ASSHOLES!

 

Maybe I should start eating raw steaks that I cook with bullets.

Then people won’t say

“Oh, there’s Jon Clinkenbeard. He looks like he’s taking good care of himself.”

 

They’ll say

“WHAT do you MEAN you haven’t heard of Jon Clinkenbeard!?! He eats raw steaks that he shoots all to hell with a fucking .44 magnum, just to warm it up first!”

 

Here’s an idea: why don’t we all enjoy life a little more and not let media dictate how we feel and think about ourselves?

Seriously. Be conscious of your thoughts. It’s so easy for us to fall into a trap of thinking things that we’ve heard.

That’s why there’s always that one guy at a party whose friends all tell him he’s funny because he constantly quotes funny movies.

You know what happens to that guy? One night, he tries to be funny on his own.

He thinks “I’ve seen enough funny movies. I’m sure that makes me funny! Now it’s my time to shine. Tell em a joke Derek!”

All of you will have been talking all night about what a horrible human being he is

And then he will turn to you and your friends and ask “do you wanna hear a joke?”

 

Your wise friend will say “no” and walk away.

You and your morbidly curious friend will both say “absolutely” and lean forward in your chairs, expecting the verbal equivalent of a bad movie.

And he will tell you a joke that everyone’s heard before, only he will add details that detract from the story, he will use dialogue that exemplifies his lack of formal education, and he will butcher the punchline so horribly that you won’t even recognize the story is over when it’s over and he’s waiting expectantly for you to laugh your head off. The worst part about the realization you will have, is that he didn’t fuck it up because he’s drunk. It’s because he’s an idiot, incapable of a single original idea.

And it’s not a funny thought for you to have.

It’s a sad thought.

It’s a “what happens to make people like this?” thought.

It’s a “he’ll never ever amount to anything or add anything of value to the human race” thought.

 

That man’s brain has turned into a sponge, unable to generate even the one thing which makes him happy. We’re all unique. We all have something to add. We need to think for ourselves and be true to our passions.

Everything else is just a distraction.

 

I’m going to start by helping my friends.

I’m going to go buy a big bar of chocolate and find three people who are close to me to share it with.

And if I even hear ONE word about how they aren’t supposed to be eating chocolate, or how they’re being “bad,” I’m going to slap them in the mouth. HARD. I’m going to tell them to enjoy having a friend who buys them chocolate and better yet, to enjoy the fact that chocolate exists so that we don’t have to eat cold tofu morning, noon, and night.