Sunflower Oil Is Better For You

So here’s a thought I just had.

We as Americans feel guilty about being fat.

And while a lot of us are overweight, I’m not, and I’m still forced to feel bad.

BUT, the way things are going, we’re starting to trick ourselves into thinking things are good for us, instead of just accepting that not everything has to be good for us, and we can and should actually decide to be healthy.

 

Here’s my example: I purchased a lunch from panera today. The sandwich was great, the pickle was good. And it came with a small bag of potato chips. I also bought some apples, and I thought I’d eat an apple instead of the chips, but then I saw the bag and it says “honestly delicious---natural---cooked in 100%sunflower oil” and I immediately thought. “oh, it’s just fine to eat.” I know NOTHING about sunflower oil! Only that is sounds prettier than other oils. Advertising is so sneaky! They’re just kettle chips! Potatoes cut into thin pieces and deep fried in oil, then topped with salt. They aren’t GOOD for me even with three absolutely natural ingredients: oil, potatoes, salt. But they are delicious, and I did just buy a lot of apples, and wait a minute- why the hell should I care anyway? Who the fuck has warped my brain into thinking this way? It makes me feel like a wuss. Advertising and media have turned me into this second-guessing-21^st-century-pansy-just-health-conscious-but-not-health-crazy-and-who-made-up-these-labels-anyway-for-me-to-stick-on-my-forhead-so-they-can-stick-me-in-an-easy-demographic-group-those-ASSHOLES!

 

Maybe I should start eating raw steaks that I cook with bullets.

Then people won’t say

“Oh, there’s Jon Clinkenbeard. He looks like he’s taking good care of himself.”

 

They’ll say

“WHAT do you MEAN you haven’t heard of Jon Clinkenbeard!?! He eats raw steaks that he shoots all to hell with a fucking .44 magnum, just to warm it up first!”

 

Here’s an idea: why don’t we all enjoy life a little more and not let media dictate how we feel and think about ourselves?

Seriously. Be conscious of your thoughts. It’s so easy for us to fall into a trap of thinking things that we’ve heard.

That’s why there’s always that one guy at a party whose friends all tell him he’s funny because he constantly quotes funny movies.

You know what happens to that guy? One night, he tries to be funny on his own.

He thinks “I’ve seen enough funny movies. I’m sure that makes me funny! Now it’s my time to shine. Tell em a joke Derek!”

All of you will have been talking all night about what a horrible human being he is

And then he will turn to you and your friends and ask “do you wanna hear a joke?”

 

Your wise friend will say “no” and walk away.

You and your morbidly curious friend will both say “absolutely” and lean forward in your chairs, expecting the verbal equivalent of a bad movie.

And he will tell you a joke that everyone’s heard before, only he will add details that detract from the story, he will use dialogue that exemplifies his lack of formal education, and he will butcher the punchline so horribly that you won’t even recognize the story is over when it’s over and he’s waiting expectantly for you to laugh your head off. The worst part about the realization you will have, is that he didn’t fuck it up because he’s drunk. It’s because he’s an idiot, incapable of a single original idea.

And it’s not a funny thought for you to have.

It’s a sad thought.

It’s a “what happens to make people like this?” thought.

It’s a “he’ll never ever amount to anything or add anything of value to the human race” thought.

 

That man’s brain has turned into a sponge, unable to generate even the one thing which makes him happy. We’re all unique. We all have something to add. We need to think for ourselves and be true to our passions.

Everything else is just a distraction.

 

I’m going to start by helping my friends.

I’m going to go buy a big bar of chocolate and find three people who are close to me to share it with.

And if I even hear ONE word about how they aren’t supposed to be eating chocolate, or how they’re being “bad,” I’m going to slap them in the mouth. HARD. I’m going to tell them to enjoy having a friend who buys them chocolate and better yet, to enjoy the fact that chocolate exists so that we don’t have to eat cold tofu morning, noon, and night.