Rob Halford Is Flying Home For Xmas

This plane sure is tiny. Good thing I decided to fly first class. I hope dad doesn't bring it up again. He always brings it up this time of year. I hope he doesn't. I hope this is the year he gives it a rest. I wonder if anyone on this plane recognizes me? That one guy keeps looking back, but I think he's looking for the stewardess. I mean flight attendant. I can't really tell if he's looking at me or not because of those sunglasses. Who wears sunglasses on a plane? I took mine off, and I'm a celebrity for pete's sake. It's just impolite. I should be doing the whole sunglasses-baseball cap thing. I bet that's how terrorists and murderers get on planes without being recognized. Wow. That sounded a lot like dad.
God, I hope i'm not turning into him. He makes people feel so bad inside. Malio doesn't even come visit with me anymore. I wish he would. He's so sweet. I know mom loves him like her own son.
Because dad's such a jerk, I can't even spend the holidays with my true love. I think that guy is looking at me. If he wants an autograph, he should just ask! I appreciate all my fans. I hope they all know that. I'm sure they do. Some of them are losers, but they all look up to me. God, I hope dad doesn't escalate things again in front of everyone. He's becoming a drunk. He's going to get on his high horse again and tell me I can't possibly be a good christian because I'm gay. He knows I don't even care. He just wants an excuse to berate me in front of company. So he can sound like he was right about something. “I knew you were gay. All that leather. That wasn't heavy metal, that was all your gay.” Well, I don't have to put up with his shit! I'm the Metal God for pete's sake! I guess that is kind of blasphemous. He's such a fucking jerk. I can't wait to shove him into a retirement home.
Is that stewardess- I mean flight attendant looking at me? Is she smiling? Somebody probably told her who I am. She's probably just being polite. Girls don't listen to metal. Except slutty girls. Man, girls are so gross. How do they walk around with that gross... leaking... blech!
Mom's right about dad; he just hates that he was wrong about my career. “You'll never go anywhere screamin' at the top of your lungs like a girl! You should take up a real job, like tile!” I sure showed him! Four-octaves showed him! HA! I wish I could have seen his face the first time we went platinum. Nothing's ever good enough for him. Even buying them a house didn't help, although i really just did that for mom. Well- and also so I didn't have to sleep in my stupid old high school room. Or on the couch. Or in a hotel.
I know what I'll do. If dad just starts in with his anti-gay shit, I'll sing a really high note and really belt it out and hold it! Then I'll just tell everyone I was practicing or showing off or something. They'll probably all applaud! That'll shut him up. Mom's always proud of my singing. If she hadn't signed me up for choir in middle school, who knows where I'd be? I'd probably be at Dad's tile business. I'd be a floor manager or something. For tile. That would be horrible. Ok, that guy's tilting his sunglasses down and looking at me. Is he winking? Wow. What a douche-bag. I should flip him off. That would be so metal. I really should. Right now. I should just flip him off. And glare at him. And maybe stick my tongue out. I'm glad I'm only staying in town for three days. Oh good, we're landing.

Jon Clinkenbeard's Politics

I am extremely political. I believe that Americans should get the things that they want.
I support health. All Americans have a right to health. Sometimes people may not be able to afford health. Those people aren’t Americans.
It’s our job as Americans to help them; maybe even give them some of our health.
Doctors are good. Hospitals are good. I think we can all agree that they are important to health. American health. Your health.
What about medicines?
Medicines have a long history of health.
Healths and medicines are like peanut and butter.
I support medicines.
I want Americans to have plenty of healths.

I also believe in other issues that are important.
Immigration.
Immigration is about people.
People who are immigrating, and people who live in the cities the people who are immigrating are immigrating to.
I will say firmly right now that I support people.

People are the key to our economy.
That means our economy is like the lock.
We have to open up our economy and take the goodies inside.
What if the goodies are treasures like diamonds and golds?
Do we want to be stuck without an economy?
I can relate to you, because I know I want an economy.
Like you, I believe the economy is important.

My opponent slings mud in the form of words; mud-words.
Well let me just tell you that he went to college.
People in college do drugs and sleep around.
People in college are irresponsible and drink too much.
Do you really want an alcoholic druggie gigolo in the white house?
I don’t.
My children don’t either.

Children are precious.
Like diamonds.
But children are also soft.
Children are soft diamonds.
Children and future.
Peanut and butter.
We must care for our children. We must teach them that they go with future.
They must grow up.
We must be firm about this.
We cannot let our children not grow up without future.
What kind of world has no children and no future?
Not a world I want to live in.
Not a world for my children.
I am a fan of the tiny people that we call children.

Foreign relations are important.
America doesn’t live in the world alone.
We have to cooperate with foreigns.
The world is large, but getting smaller.
Technology, foreigns, world.
They all must be friends to share peace.
Some foreigns aren’t friends.
They must be dealt with as enemies.
We will use our other friends: technology and world, to form a club where our enemies are not allowed until they become our friends.
Then, and only then, will foreigns, technology, world, and America have friendship.
Friendship is important.
I am pro-friendship.

Oil and drilling.
This issue confused people.
Here’s why: Oil is good. Drilling is bad.
We must drill to have oil.
This is a classic case of doing something bad to get something good.
I love oil.
I use it in my car to make it go.
I go to work every day with the power of oil.
I am an American.
I bet some of you use oil in your cars too.
We’re alike, you and I.
People who hate oil say that we can use green instead.
I say, why not make oil green?
Why throw all the oil away, when it’s still perfectly good?
If we make oil green, everyone will be happy.
I am for making people happy.
I say go green with oil!

People are talking a lot about gay.
They say gay marriage and gay rights.
I hear them.
Other people say straight.
They say straight marriage and straight god.
I listen.
I am a listener who hears both sides when people talk.
I support listening.
It is important to hear when people are talking.
I can promise that I am a listener who truly hears.

So when you go to the voting, remember:
Jon Clinkenbeard supports health and medicines.
Jon Clinkenbeard firmly supports people and friendships.
Jon Clinkenbeard believes the economy is important.
My opponent is an alcoholic drugged-out liar with STDs.

Who do you want to be president of America?
You want Jon Clinkenbeard to be president of America.