The Worst Fortune Cookie Fortune OF ALL TIME.

I bet you thought that I’d say it right off the bat; the worst fortune cookie fortune of all time.
Well I’m not going to blow it that soon.
There’s no build-up.
I WILL tell you in this blog, so don’t think that I’m trying to trick you. This would be a stupid blog if I titled it ‘The Worst Fortune Cookie Fortune OF ALL TIME!” and didn’t actually tell you what the fortune was, wouldn’t it?
I can’t stand when people do that.
No, I’m definitely going to tell you.

First, a little build-up.
I’ve read fortunes from fortune cookies since I was old enough to read.
Even before that, they were read to me by my mother and father, if I remember correctly, which I don’t, because that was such a long time ago.
A fortune from a fortune cookie is supposed to be mysterious.
It is supposed to be helpful, if ambiguous.
A good fortune cookie, along with serendipitous timing in your life, can make you wonder about the reality of oracles and other people who have visions of the future (ed. gypsies?).
A good fortune from a fortune cookie, in theory, can make you question the very existence of god.

My fortune cookie fortune boldly proclaimed “A crab wonton a day keeps the doctor away.”

Let that sink in.
Re-read it.
I would be upset if it simply stated the adage (AMERICAN adage, mind you) “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
I would already be upset if the fortune writer just came across as lazy.
Go ahead and re-read it again, I’ll wait:
“A crab wonton a day keeps the doctor away.”
They’ve twisted a very important message about eating raw fruit daily to help maintain a healthy lifestyle into this… this horrible marketing scam.
Here’s what the writer thought while he was writing it: “I think I’m a clever fortune cookie writer and I’ll probably get a raise.”
Here’s what his boss said to him when he turned it in: “Thomas, you’re our best fortune writer! Not only is this a clever play on a traditional American adage, it will increase the sales of crab wontons in our Asian partnership restaurants, and make us Bookoos of money! You’re promoted mister!!!”
I’m sure the boss slapped him on the ass, they both laughed a hearty laugh, and then they feasted together on their lunch of innocent baby souls.

As fun as that scene sounds, you’re forgetting something: they’re spreading lies.
Go ahead and read it yet again:
“A crab wonton a day keeps the doctor away.”
Have you ever enjoyed a crab wonton?
I love them.
I wish more people would eat them.
But they will NOT keep the doctor away, no matter how badly I wish they would.
They are a tiny pastry stuffed with a copious amount of cream cheese, onions, a bit of garlic or ginger, and finally crab meat, or the horrible-sounding, but cool-spelling “Krab” meat (imitation crab).
Then they are deep fried to a golden greasy brown, and served with one of several sassy sauces that have too much sugar in them.

So we’re to read this fortune and believe that eating a deep-fried cream cheese pastry a day will keep us healthy?
I have a few doctors who would disagree with that.
Children will read this and take it to heart!
Literally; because when children eat enough fried cream cheese puffs, they will surely develop a cardiac condition of some sort.

I dare you- yes, that’s right, it’s ON- I dare you to find a worse fortune cookie than mine.
You won’t be able to.
The nearest I’ve seen, I opened IMMEDIATELY after this one.
It was a bit more watered down, but ultimately still reprehensible.
It said “Reach for your dreams. Start with the spring rolls.”
…I HATE marketing.

Writer's Block... I think...

I’m stumped.
I can’t think of a single thing to write. I told my brain that this time was the time to come up with something.
I even scheduled it on my calendar.
Here I am sitting and staring at my computer.
What should I write about?

Today I want to write something funny.
Well how about an infomercial?
No, I’ve done enough of those for a while.
How about a fake letter.
No, I just did that.
How about-
How about you shut up and let me think for a minute! Jesus. You’re always talking and offering suggestions, but you don’t know what I like anymore. You don’t know me.
I’m just trying to help.
Well stop trying to help. Just give me some space to breathe! Jesus, I feel like I’m suffocating with all the ideas you’re trying to force me to do.
I’m sorry.
Well, I’m sorry I yelled at you.
What would you like to write about?
I don’t know! Can’t we talk about something else ever?!
Ok.
Ok then!
…
Shit, I’m sorry.
…
I’m just going through a lot right now, and sitting here trying to write something is putting a lot of pressure on me, you know?
I know.
Well, I don’t mean to snap at you, and I know you’re just trying to help.
…
I’m sorry.
I also apologize. Maybe I should just let you do your own thing for a while. You’re good at coming up with ideas.
No I’m not, YOU are. You’re the part of my brain that comes up with ideas. I’m the part that is impassioned and temperamental and proud of it!
I can do other things too.
…
It’s true. I’m the part that’s abstract and thinks on a higher plane.
Are you condescending to me?
What?! No-
Yes you are. You’re saying you’re better than me because you can think of big stupid things like God and Politics and Ethics and Energy and Soul-krap-stuff!
That doesn’t mean I’m better than you.
You’re damn right it doesn’t! Let me tell you something pal; I’m down to earth. I’m with the people. I’m not all hoity-toity. I’m gritty. I’m mean. I’m like a lone-wolf bounty hunter private investigator renegade, ok? People would KILL to be like me in real life.
I’m sure they would.
Well you just watch your mouth, ‘cuz I’m also a loaded gun.
…It seems like it’s very easy to upset you today.
Yeah, so?
I’m just saying.
So maybe I’m a little uptight today. I can admit that. my job is very stressful. You just come up with the ideas, I’m the one that has to hammer them out with fingers and sweat and tears and blood and stuff.
You bleed and sweat when you type?
No, but. You know, it’s a saying.
I see. Well this seems to have gone rather poorly. Shall we try again soon?
Yeah I guess. I’ll take a break and have an imaginary cigarette and cool off, ok?
Sounds good.
This didn’t turn out very funny.
Not really, no.
Well what if I tell a joke.
I don’t think that will help.
Oh come on!!!
Very well.
So there’s this Jewish nun, right?
Right.
…
…
Get it?
Is that the whole joke?
Well, it’s based on true life, so I think people can relate to it in a real sense.
There’s no punch line.
…
That’s like saying “so there’s the Eiffel tower” and then that’s supposed to be a joke.
…You didn’t like it.
Well… I was expecting a real joke, not something you just made up.
Yeah I know.
Let’s just try again in a bit, ok?
K. Bye.
Goodbye.