47-Year Old Man Enjoys New Moon Over Dark Knight

New York, New York- You wouldn't know if by looking at him, but Curtis Grimes is a Twilight fan. His 47-year old appearance and male-pattern baldness belie a man who enjoys a vampire fantasy series actively marketed towards “tweens”, the largest demographic of Twilight fans, consisting of youths aged 10-12.
“I heard New Moon was bigger than Dark Knight, so I had to check it out for myself, and I loved the experience,” Curtis states.
Mr. Grimes is of course referring to the famous box-office record-breaking sales of the Dark Knight on its opening night. “New Moon was like no experience I've ever had. In the Dark Knight, I was glued to the screen the entire time; in New Moon, I could NOT take my eyes off the theater audience! It redefined my definition of what a movie experience can be.”
Curtis recounts in detail how he arrived at the theater and was fascinated by the fellow crowd of moviegoers, notably the young women. “Just standing in the ticket line was great. All these girls all around me. They were on and off their cellphones constantly, or talking to other nearby girls; so completely distracted, they didn't notice me staring at them for extremely long periods of time! I usually have to stare at underage girls from between other people on the subway, but this was right out in the open! It was very liberating.”
Curtis paints a vivid picture of the beginning of the movie: “When I actually got into the theater, I sat in the back, like I usually do, and started scanning the crowd. I don't want to ruin the movie for those who haven't seen it, but it was just so great. The surprise twist? There were NO men except for me! I was in a theater completely filled with young girls!”
Mr. Grimes then reaches into his trench-coat pockets and pulls out several locks of hair, tied neatly with different colored bows. “The absence of other men in the theater was great, but then the second twist in the movie hit: these girls were all completely engrossed in the movie. And I mean completely! I started moving through the crowd and sort of bumping up against them a little. The only time they noticed anything at all was when their cell phone rang, or when I blocked their view of the screen. That's how I was able to gather my little collection here.”
With this memory, Curtis then giggles, smells a lock of hair deeply, and sighs.“It's just the best movie ever. I can't wait to see it again.”

I'm a Professional

When you’re a professional writer like me, you don’t have to worry about coming up with ideas. All a professional has to do is sit down and start typing, or scribbling, or scrawling onto a piece of napkin and pure genius vomits from our fingertips.

It’s effortless, the number of things I can come up with on a whim, and I often impress myself.

Why just now, I thought of 33 different words for agony. That’s two more than the number of ice cream flavours Baskin Robbins has.

Impressed? Of course you are. Envious? Why wouldn’t you be?

But you can stop wringing your hands and crying now, because I’m offering you a once-in-a-lifetime-chance to be almost as wonderful and gifted as I am.

Too good to be true?

Of course it is.

But only if I was trying to help you unlock the genius you already have inside yourself.

A lot of self-help miracle-promising hogwashery will promise impossible things just like that.

DON’T BE FOOLED!

You and I both know even if there was any genius hidden in that tiny little brain of yours, there is no way we would ever, EVER be able to pry it out.

No sir, what I offer you is simple business economics; the very same business economics that “businesses” use in the “economy.”

You make an investment, and you hopefully see a return on it.

All you have to do is send me your cell phone.

That’s it.

“But why does Jon need a cell phone?” you ask yourself, scratching your head and your nethers simultaneously in the style scientists are now referring to as “the dirty teenager.”

I don’t need cell phones.

Believe me, I have more than enough.

And even if I didn’t have enough plus three extras, I would simply buy my own cell phone factory and have peasants make them all day and night with my name on the battery case.

I can do that.

Can you?

No, I don’t need the phone; I need what’s IN the cell phone as it is.

I need the numbers and names and textual messages and browsing history and so on.

I need the information contained therein.

“But Jon, can I at least delete that one sexy photo of my ex girlfriend before I send it to you?”

No.

No you may not.

And you’re asking too many questions, so let’s put a stop to that, shall we?

Believe me yet again; I don’t want to see your comparatively unattractive ex-girlfriend.

I already have plenty of models calling me and trying to schedule a “session.”

And I’ve given up pity sex with lesser women.

Here’s a secret: so can you.

You can sleep with women in the league just beneath the league I’m in.

For the low price of only one cell phone investment, you can reap rewards greater than you’ve ever imagined and almost as great as me.

Just think about how great that is for a moment.

Oh no, too much thinking!

You’ve probably fallen into the brain-trap of thinking “Jon, I don’t want to be the Queen, I want to be the King, like you.”

Well let me ask you something.

Would you rather be the Queen, or the town outhouse shoveller?

Glad I could put things in perspective for you.

Next time, don’t think so hard.

You’re probably wondering what I need the information in the cell phone for.

Didn’t I just tell you not to think so hard?

Here’s what you are allowed to think about from now on: wealth, power, money, gold, and everything you’ve ever wanted to come true.

Ok, you can stop drooling now, ha-ha!

Simply send in your cell phone this instant and I’ll send you a quarterly profit analysis of your investment every quarter on the quarter!

Your professional new life is only a few minutes away!

What are you waiting for?!

ACT NOW!!!