Profit

Let's cut the chit-chat.
Thank you.
Sorry to be blunt, but this company hired me so we could stop wasting time.
Let's get to the point.
My name's Harold Firer.
I'm a consultant.
I'm basically here so we can stop screwing around as a company and start maximizing out potential.
Our investors are demanding a lot of changes, so if you value your job, listen up.
Got your attention?
Good.
Let's get down to brass tacks.
We aren't making enough money.
We need to be making MORE money.
How are we going to do that?
I'll tell you.
Profit.
Nothing makes money faster than profit.
Profit's not just a buzzword, people.
Profit is real.
It's the most important thing a company has.
Without profit, a company doesn't exist.
We need profit.
Think about it like your blood.
You need your blood, don't you?
Well this company's blood is profit.
It takes profit to be an industry leader.
So how do we get more profit?
Four things:
Decrease overheads.
Cut unnecessary spending costs.
Drive growth.
Increase Revenue.
One. Decrease overheads. Cut the wheat from the chaff.
Maximize output. Maximize productivity.
Fire people.
Two. Cut unnecessary spending costs. Do you really need a stapler?
Really? You?
Why can't we have three staplers that everyone in the company uses?
It costs less.
Economy.
Thrift.
Profit.
Three. Drive growth. Encourage thinking outside the box.
Not daydreaming. Not surfing on youtube. Not facebooking your ex.
You think about how you can make your life better?
Start thinking about how you can make this company better.
Or get out.
Profit.
Four. Increase Revenue. Upcharge our products. Maximize their valuability, and thus, our valuability as a company.
Bring in new clients. New customers. We haven't sold any of our products to your grandmother? Why not?
Do it or get out.
These things are not just “good ideas”.
If we don't do them, we'll die. Understand? We have to start thinking the big thoughts. All of us.
Why do we have a break room? For coffee? How much does coffee cost?
Shut it down.
Bring your own coffee or get out.
No fridge. No lunch. Work. Profit. Eat it. Sleep it.
But don't sleep it at work or we'll have a little “chat” about it. And our conversation will end when you pile your stuff into a cardboard box and, you guessed it, get out.
Don't make eye contact with me. Ever.
Give me your lunch money.
Profit is what we're talking about.
I've made 19 out of 20 companies profitable in the last 9 out of 10 years.
You know how I did that?
Profit.
I don't fuck around. And from now on, neither do you.
I will end you.
Are we clear?
Do you know what I do on weekends?
I fucking take off my clothes and hunt boars with my bare hands.
I am not lying to you.
I don't even use a knife. I use my hands. And my teeth. And my muscles.
Look at my chest.
You think you can take me?
You think you can take a wild boar with your bare hands?
Shut your mouth.
Get to work.
I will kill you and claim it was self-defense.
Do you understand?
The two of you in the back there? Talking to each other?
Fired.
Get out.
Meeting adjourned.

I'm a Professional

When you’re a professional writer like me, you don’t have to worry about coming up with ideas. All a professional has to do is sit down and start typing, or scribbling, or scrawling onto a piece of napkin and pure genius vomits from our fingertips.

It’s effortless, the number of things I can come up with on a whim, and I often impress myself.

Why just now, I thought of 33 different words for agony. That’s two more than the number of ice cream flavours Baskin Robbins has.

Impressed? Of course you are. Envious? Why wouldn’t you be?

But you can stop wringing your hands and crying now, because I’m offering you a once-in-a-lifetime-chance to be almost as wonderful and gifted as I am.

Too good to be true?

Of course it is.

But only if I was trying to help you unlock the genius you already have inside yourself.

A lot of self-help miracle-promising hogwashery will promise impossible things just like that.

DON’T BE FOOLED!

You and I both know even if there was any genius hidden in that tiny little brain of yours, there is no way we would ever, EVER be able to pry it out.

No sir, what I offer you is simple business economics; the very same business economics that “businesses” use in the “economy.”

You make an investment, and you hopefully see a return on it.

All you have to do is send me your cell phone.

That’s it.

“But why does Jon need a cell phone?” you ask yourself, scratching your head and your nethers simultaneously in the style scientists are now referring to as “the dirty teenager.”

I don’t need cell phones.

Believe me, I have more than enough.

And even if I didn’t have enough plus three extras, I would simply buy my own cell phone factory and have peasants make them all day and night with my name on the battery case.

I can do that.

Can you?

No, I don’t need the phone; I need what’s IN the cell phone as it is.

I need the numbers and names and textual messages and browsing history and so on.

I need the information contained therein.

“But Jon, can I at least delete that one sexy photo of my ex girlfriend before I send it to you?”

No.

No you may not.

And you’re asking too many questions, so let’s put a stop to that, shall we?

Believe me yet again; I don’t want to see your comparatively unattractive ex-girlfriend.

I already have plenty of models calling me and trying to schedule a “session.”

And I’ve given up pity sex with lesser women.

Here’s a secret: so can you.

You can sleep with women in the league just beneath the league I’m in.

For the low price of only one cell phone investment, you can reap rewards greater than you’ve ever imagined and almost as great as me.

Just think about how great that is for a moment.

Oh no, too much thinking!

You’ve probably fallen into the brain-trap of thinking “Jon, I don’t want to be the Queen, I want to be the King, like you.”

Well let me ask you something.

Would you rather be the Queen, or the town outhouse shoveller?

Glad I could put things in perspective for you.

Next time, don’t think so hard.

You’re probably wondering what I need the information in the cell phone for.

Didn’t I just tell you not to think so hard?

Here’s what you are allowed to think about from now on: wealth, power, money, gold, and everything you’ve ever wanted to come true.

Ok, you can stop drooling now, ha-ha!

Simply send in your cell phone this instant and I’ll send you a quarterly profit analysis of your investment every quarter on the quarter!

Your professional new life is only a few minutes away!

What are you waiting for?!

ACT NOW!!!