I'm a Professional

When you’re a professional writer like me, you don’t have to worry about coming up with ideas. All a professional has to do is sit down and start typing, or scribbling, or scrawling onto a piece of napkin and pure genius vomits from our fingertips.

It’s effortless, the number of things I can come up with on a whim, and I often impress myself.

Why just now, I thought of 33 different words for agony. That’s two more than the number of ice cream flavours Baskin Robbins has.

Impressed? Of course you are. Envious? Why wouldn’t you be?

But you can stop wringing your hands and crying now, because I’m offering you a once-in-a-lifetime-chance to be almost as wonderful and gifted as I am.

Too good to be true?

Of course it is.

But only if I was trying to help you unlock the genius you already have inside yourself.

A lot of self-help miracle-promising hogwashery will promise impossible things just like that.

DON’T BE FOOLED!

You and I both know even if there was any genius hidden in that tiny little brain of yours, there is no way we would ever, EVER be able to pry it out.

No sir, what I offer you is simple business economics; the very same business economics that “businesses” use in the “economy.”

You make an investment, and you hopefully see a return on it.

All you have to do is send me your cell phone.

That’s it.

“But why does Jon need a cell phone?” you ask yourself, scratching your head and your nethers simultaneously in the style scientists are now referring to as “the dirty teenager.”

I don’t need cell phones.

Believe me, I have more than enough.

And even if I didn’t have enough plus three extras, I would simply buy my own cell phone factory and have peasants make them all day and night with my name on the battery case.

I can do that.

Can you?

No, I don’t need the phone; I need what’s IN the cell phone as it is.

I need the numbers and names and textual messages and browsing history and so on.

I need the information contained therein.

“But Jon, can I at least delete that one sexy photo of my ex girlfriend before I send it to you?”

No.

No you may not.

And you’re asking too many questions, so let’s put a stop to that, shall we?

Believe me yet again; I don’t want to see your comparatively unattractive ex-girlfriend.

I already have plenty of models calling me and trying to schedule a “session.”

And I’ve given up pity sex with lesser women.

Here’s a secret: so can you.

You can sleep with women in the league just beneath the league I’m in.

For the low price of only one cell phone investment, you can reap rewards greater than you’ve ever imagined and almost as great as me.

Just think about how great that is for a moment.

Oh no, too much thinking!

You’ve probably fallen into the brain-trap of thinking “Jon, I don’t want to be the Queen, I want to be the King, like you.”

Well let me ask you something.

Would you rather be the Queen, or the town outhouse shoveller?

Glad I could put things in perspective for you.

Next time, don’t think so hard.

You’re probably wondering what I need the information in the cell phone for.

Didn’t I just tell you not to think so hard?

Here’s what you are allowed to think about from now on: wealth, power, money, gold, and everything you’ve ever wanted to come true.

Ok, you can stop drooling now, ha-ha!

Simply send in your cell phone this instant and I’ll send you a quarterly profit analysis of your investment every quarter on the quarter!

Your professional new life is only a few minutes away!

What are you waiting for?!

ACT NOW!!!