Wiggle

She wiggles when she walks.
Just a little.
Her beautiful white dress hugs her hips enough to show just a tiny, perfect wiggle when she walks. The white dress is accented with hand-painted flowers, but I hardly notice.

Her sandals wrap tightly around her ankles, hinting at bondage and other things she might enjoy. Good calves, good thighs, good legs. Good god, good legs.

She has bracelets on her left wrist. White, to match her dress. A necklace of some kind. Silver.

Her wavy hair is pulled up, but not tightly. Casually. Beautifully.
She embodies casual. Beautiful. Personifies.

I can't see her face. She's walking away from me. I follow her discretely along the shops to our left. What a beautiful little wiggle. I'm a fan.

I hope she'll turn right to go to her car, or left to enter a shop. She doesn't.

So far, the only thing I can tell from her face is that she doesn't wear those stupid huge sunglasses. I like that about her. She doesn't hide her face. She doesn't hide her wiggle. She's upfront.
She stops walking. She starts turning around. Fuck. Look busy. Keep walking. Just going to my car, which is parked over here. Walk past her. Almost brush her skin. She's throwing something away. I don't see her face. Dammit.
Keep walking. She's walking again. Behind me. Just go to a car somewhere and pretend to own it. She's going to enter one of these strip mall shops.
She doesn't.
We're away from the shops now.
Plan B. walk straight across the lot to the liquor store. She's just going to her car.
Walking. Walking.

She's going to the liquor store.
Perfect. I can go to one part of the store and casually make my way to where she is, so I can see her face.
Enter the liquor store. No I don't want to try the new cinnamon vodka. Thank you.

Make my way to the coolers in the back.
Did she enter the store?
She's still behind me!?!
I'll fix that.

Stop to look at the rum on the left of me. Ah yes. This one has a pirate on it. That one has a parrot. But what kind of a rum man am I?
She passes.

I look casually over at her. Delicious is honestly the only way to describe that wiggle now. I don't know why, but it is.
I grab the bottle of Winking Pirate Rum and slowly walk in her direction.
She slows down.
She turns to her right.
She bends down to look at the bottles on the lowest shelf.
I stay where I am for a while.
This rum I'm pretending to read sure is interesting.
She must not see what she's looking for.
She straightens back up.
She's my height. Slender. Toned.

I grab a bottle of Laughing Parrot Rum.
I'm going to have a rum party.
Makes sense.

She continues walking. Wiggling with every beautiful step.
I can't believe I still haven't seen her face.
This is ridiculous.
She makes her way to the cooler.
Maybe I can see her reflection in the glass.
I look at her reflection.
She is looking me dead in the eyes.
Fuck.
Look away too quickly for details.
Walk to the left of her.
Oh, do they have that beer that I want?
The one that goes well with the rums I have?
Hm?
My neck is hot as I open a cold door and grab a random six-pack.

I look over casually at her.
She is looking me dead in the eyes.
I smile at her.
A too-big smile without showing any teeth.
The smile that makes my lips look like earthworms.
I look back at my spirits.
Yep, they're still the ones I was holding a moment ago.
She is stunning.
Mystery solved.
Great.
I wasn't prepared for that.
Usually things balance out.
Her eyes.
Piercing.

My stupid heart is trying to give me an anxiety attack.
I want to look back over, but I can't.
I don't think she grabbed anything out of the cooler.
I turn to walk to the front of the store.

She's standing in front of me. Eyes piercing mine.
I can't look away.
She walks up to me.

“Hi.”
“Hello.” I rearrange all the items i'm holding.
“Are you going to buy all of that?”
“Yeah?”
“Why?”

I pause for a minute, crinkling up my forehead.

“I'm having a.. rum party.”

It's her turn to make a face.

“Rum party?”
“Yep.”
“What's that?”

Why is she still talking to me?

“It's just a party, except there's a lot of rum.”

She raises her eyebrow.

“And no other liquor?”
“Exactly.”
“So why do you have beer?”

God.
I think I love her.
She's doing exactly what I'd do if I caught someone following me.
Interrogation.

“I don't.”
“You don't have beer?”
“No.”
“Then what is that?”
“Oh this? This is a six-pack of rums.”

She laughs. She's more beautiful when she laughs. My heart twitches.
I decide to press my luck.

“Would you like to come to my rum party? Everyone's gonna be there. It's a very popular party.”
“Who all is going to be there?”
“Patrick Stewart, Jennifer Lopez, George Washington.”

She laughs again. Her blue eyes are so wonderful. Her lips.

“It really brings people together, huh?”
“Yes Ma'am!”
“Even dead people?”
“Especially dead people.”

She smiles.

“That sounds like something I'd be up for.”
“If you're too busy, I understand.”
“I'm not too busy.”
“I mean, it might not be your thing.”
“It sounds like my thing.”
“The rum might not even make it to the party.”
“That's ok.”
“Also...”
She smiles with her whole face.
“Yes?”
“...no one else will probably show up. It might just be the two of us.”
“Hmm.”
“I know... See?”

She smirks at me.

“Why were you following me?”
“Probably the same reason you were following me.”
“Hmm.”

She bites her lip and makes mischievous eyes. Such a pretty blue. I wish I could kiss her. Hug her. Something.
I decide to be upfront.

“I like your wiggle.”

She smiles.

“I like yours too.”

It's my turn to laugh.

“Do you like coffee?”
“No.”
“Me neither. Let's go have coffee.”
“I'd love to.”

I put down the rumbottles and follow her out the door.
Such a beautiful girl.
Such a wonderful dress. Wiggle.
Perfect.

George Washington's Body Discovered!

Thought by many to be lost to the sands of time, archaeologists recently unearthed the body of the first president of the United States, George Washington. For hundreds of years, the disappearance and presumed death of the first president was shrouded in mystery, but now it appears that many shocking details are finally coming to light. Groundbreaking as this discovery is, it appears that for the scientific community, there are now more questions than answers.

Professor Keith Buhrningman, head of the American History department at Stanford University, has openly stated that he "will never think of ol' Georgie boy the same again." When pressed for actual details, prof. Buhrningman declined to comment further. However, a factual rumour overheard in the lab stated that the famous legend of the late president’s wooden teeth was grossly understated and perhaps even downplayed.
Doctor Thomas Wūdstock, Harvard drop-out, is soon to release a book, The Six Hundred Dollar Man, detailing the scientific community's findings.
"I can't give too much away, but I will say that from our early observations, it appears that his teeth weren't the only wooden part of George Washington. Over two-thirds of Washington's body was replaced with rich, polished wood! And not just bones; a few major organs were replaced with extremely intricate wooden cogs and machinery. Buy my book.”
When asked which organs were replaced, and what powered the wooden machinery, Wūdstock replied,”It's easy to get swept up in all this “wooden man” hooplah, but people are forgetting the most important mystery of all: what kind of wood it is. My money is on mahogany. Keith and most other scientists have bet on oak, so if I'm right, more winnings for me! Oh, also, his body was riddled with bullet holes, which is important to historians, but not important to scientists. Buy my book.”

Secret reports passed between scientists contain Da Vinci-esque diagrams of what can only be described as a half-human, half-wooden cyborg.
This new information has sparked endless speculation, not only in the scientific community, but also in popular online chat communities or “chatmunities”.

Self-named "Doc" “Reginald” “McSteamery” runs the website Steampunkjunkie.com, where chat topics have ranged from the light-hearted "Washington costume ideas!" to the cryptic "Ye olde conspiracie? WTF?!"
Doc McSteamery states, "This is so totally awesome! Did you see the gears and machinery? Made of REAL WOOD?! God, that's just so... I mean the craftsmanship... wow! If they find out he has brass parts too or was steam-powered, I'll die. I'll literally die. This is truly another great first for America; we're the greatest great in the entire great!"

The implications this information has for America's- and even maybe the world's- history, is staggering. A wooden cyborg as first president might possibly mean taking a second glance at the rules regarding presidential elections and appointments. If this seems sure to raise political controversy, it won't be the first time; this presidential secret stirred the controversy kettle, even in Washington's time.

Alongside Washington's body was found a partially-burned confession letter. In it, Aaron Burr writes that “two hired goons” coerced him into “murdering [his] only friend, Alexander Hamilton.” The letter then states the two goons, “Franklin and Adams”, told Burr that “Hamilton knew too much for his own big mouth” and that Burr “had to shut him up real bullet-like.” The confession goes on to say that Washington was intending to silence Hamilton himself, but that he ultimately “didn’t want to get his greasy wooden mitts dirty” in connection with the murder. It's certainly difficult to envision America's first president as a wooden cyborg president, but a wooden cyborg assassin president sounds even more fantastical. Is there any proof of George Washington as a killer, aside from the well-documented accounts of his battles?
A third item was found in Washington's hidden tomb: A wooden gun held in his human right hand, next to several wooden bullets. The gun appears to have fit neatly inside the president's hollow right thigh, which was entirely wooden, velvet-lined, and opened up specifically for gun-storage. The last item in the casket, a wooden pepper mill labeled “Whompin’ Washington’s pepper spray” was found resting in a holster in Washington’s leather belt. The gun and pepper spray combination has led top police experts to believe Washington may have served as a kind of judge, jury, and executionary robotic law enforcer.
“No doubt about it, Washington ran this country with a wooden fist,” says New York Chief of Police Randy Fish. Fish is not pleased with Buhrningman, Wūdstock or any of the other music festivals scientists.
“At first I thought those scientists were doing good work, but any first-year cop can tell you that only most of the holes in Washington’s body are bullet holes; the rest of ‘em are termites holes. From the angle of the bullet entry wounds, my forensics department has concluded that Washington was such a badass, he actually shot the termites out of himself from time to time.”

But what of the larger picture? Does this evidence of primitive technology mean there may now be cyborgs living among us constructed of stone, or bronze or even iron? Only time will tell. Until then, one thing is certain: we “soft-skins” can only hope they're as wonderful and patriotic as our beloved wooden cyborg assassin president, who could apparently tell a lie.