How To Take A Shower In A College Apartment

1. Place a dry, cleanish towel immediately within reach of the shower.
2. Listen for neighbours to see if someone in another apartment is using up your shared hot water. If they are, skip to step 11. If not, continue to step 3.
3. Check to see how hot the hot water is by itself. If hot, move onto step 4. If lukewarm, move onto step 11. If cold, move onto step 14.
4. Turn on the cold water to a comfortable level. Step into the shower. Point the shower head slightly to one side of the shower. This will come into play during steps 5 and 6.
5. Be on constant alert for the sound of a toilet flushing. If you hear one, duck immediately to the side opposite the water stream, out of harm's way. Wait for scalding water to subside. Do NOT readjust water. This will result in unnecessary freezing backlash when the temperature returns to normal.
6. Be on constant alert for the hot water to immediately give out for no reason whatsoever. When this happens, duck immediately to the side opposite the water stream, out of harm's way. Wait for freezing water to subside. Do NOT readjust water. This will result in unnecessary scalding backlash when the temperature returns to normal.
7. Shampoo hair with affordable and/or borrowed shampoo. Remember how conditioner used to feel.
8. Soap up with affordable and/or borrowed soap. Curse the soap quietly, but vehemently, for your troubled skin. Rinse off.
9. Daydream about people/homework you intended to do last night, as well as upcoming projects/tests. Do you have a quiz today? Are you sure? Are you?
10. If you've daydreamed for too long, pause to remember whether you've completed steps 7 and 8. If you can't remember, repeat them to be certain. Proceed to step 15.
11. You have less than three minutes of warm water. Make it count.
12. Turn on the hot water as low as possible. This will prolong what little remains. Do NOT daydream. Immediately proceed to “lucky” step 13.
13. Shampoo and soap yourself in one go, then rinse everything in one go. Do not condition. Do not shave. Skip to step 15.
14. Since you have class in fifteen minutes, skip the shower. If you have done this three or more times in a row, weigh that option against the option of being late. Your opinion should change slightly with each concurrent shower skip. If you reach six skips, take a cold shower and complain about it the rest of the day to your friends or anyone who complains about anything else. Skip to step 17.
15. Turn off the water and grab the towel from step 1.
16. Dry yourself off BEFORE you step out of the shower. This will prevent unsightly bruises and/or expensive medical bills.
17. Wrap your towel around your waist/head and scramble around your room to find cleanish clothes to wear.
18. Run to class. You are late.

To My Six-Year-Old Son

How did you get in here?
I thought I locked that door.
No, Daddy does love you; he just needs special video game alone time.
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So he won’t go crazy.
You can stay in here if you promise to be quiet.
Hey look at me, buddy.
Promise?
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Do you promise to be quiet?
Ok then.
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That’s a laser gun. Like in cartoons.
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That man isn’t hurt, he’s an alien. Aliens don’t have feelings.
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That’s a force-field; Daddy has to blow that up to get into the base.
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No, they’re all just sleeping.
You promised me you’d be quiet.
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What?
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Ha-ha! You should ask Mommy that.
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Because mommies know the answer. Daddies don’t know where babies come from because mommies keep it a secret.
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Yes, Mommy keeps it a secret.
I think it involves a pterodactyl. You should ask her about that.
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It’s a dinosaur that flies. I gave you that big book of dinosaurs; don’t you ever look at that?
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Yes, you came from an egg, like the dinosaurs.
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No, breakfast eggs are different.
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No, those are chicken babies.
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Because people babies don’t get eaten; people babies grow up to ask their daddies all kinds of questions.
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Like the questions you’re asking me.
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The ones you’ve been asking me.
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Like that one, just there.
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Of course I love you.
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I love you and your mommy equally.
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I love you too.
Do you love me or mommy more?
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Really?
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Why?
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Well then I guess I love mommy more too.
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Well you made such a convincing case for her; I think I actually do love her a little more than you now.
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Because mommy and I can always make another baby if you don’t clean your room.
We can even give him your name and all your toys, so no one will know you’re gone.
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Then you’d better be good, so we don’t have to make a better baby to replace you.
That sounds like mommy’s home, why don’t you go ask her about pterodactyls and where babies come from?
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Hi honey, how was work-
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I just told him to ask you-
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Now look, don’t get upset, I was just kid-
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He’s fine! Why are you yelling?
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He’s not crying!
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Well he wasn’t crying a minute ago, he only cries when you’re around!
He knows you’ll give him whatever he wants.
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No. You’re being manipulated. He doesn’t care about what I said; he just wants you to baby him!
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Yeah, great, take him out for ice cream to cheer him up; I’m sure B.F. Skinner would have a little something to say about that.
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Fine then!
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I hope they both drop their stupid ice creams.
Jerks.
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