To My Six-Year-Old Son

How did you get in here?
I thought I locked that door.
No, Daddy does love you; he just needs special video game alone time.
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So he won’t go crazy.
You can stay in here if you promise to be quiet.
Hey look at me, buddy.
Promise?
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Do you promise to be quiet?
Ok then.
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That’s a laser gun. Like in cartoons.
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That man isn’t hurt, he’s an alien. Aliens don’t have feelings.
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That’s a force-field; Daddy has to blow that up to get into the base.
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No, they’re all just sleeping.
You promised me you’d be quiet.
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What?
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Ha-ha! You should ask Mommy that.
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Because mommies know the answer. Daddies don’t know where babies come from because mommies keep it a secret.
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Yes, Mommy keeps it a secret.
I think it involves a pterodactyl. You should ask her about that.
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It’s a dinosaur that flies. I gave you that big book of dinosaurs; don’t you ever look at that?
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Yes, you came from an egg, like the dinosaurs.
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No, breakfast eggs are different.
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No, those are chicken babies.
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Because people babies don’t get eaten; people babies grow up to ask their daddies all kinds of questions.
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Like the questions you’re asking me.
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The ones you’ve been asking me.
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Like that one, just there.
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Of course I love you.
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I love you and your mommy equally.
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I love you too.
Do you love me or mommy more?
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Really?
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Why?
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Well then I guess I love mommy more too.
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Well you made such a convincing case for her; I think I actually do love her a little more than you now.
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Because mommy and I can always make another baby if you don’t clean your room.
We can even give him your name and all your toys, so no one will know you’re gone.
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Then you’d better be good, so we don’t have to make a better baby to replace you.
That sounds like mommy’s home, why don’t you go ask her about pterodactyls and where babies come from?
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Hi honey, how was work-
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I just told him to ask you-
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Now look, don’t get upset, I was just kid-
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He’s fine! Why are you yelling?
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He’s not crying!
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Well he wasn’t crying a minute ago, he only cries when you’re around!
He knows you’ll give him whatever he wants.
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No. You’re being manipulated. He doesn’t care about what I said; he just wants you to baby him!
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Yeah, great, take him out for ice cream to cheer him up; I’m sure B.F. Skinner would have a little something to say about that.
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Fine then!
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I hope they both drop their stupid ice creams.
Jerks.
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