Broken

She won't switch on.
You've engaged her stimulus zones numerous times.
You've been sure to create an Atmosphere of Pleasure.
There is music playing that she likes to hear.
You’ve washed and cleaned your exterior surface and orifices.
She won't switch on.
She says she's switched on.
But her autopilot is engaged.
You can see she is not Actively Involved.
You tell her your desire for her to be Actively Involved.
She says that she is.
She lies that she is.
You tell her to stop lying.
She says she is not feeling it.
Feeling what?
You ask her what she is not feeling.
She says this.
What does she mean by this?
You ask her what she means by this.
She says she doesn't know.
You don't understand.
You tell her that you don't understand.
You tell her about the music and the orifice cleaning.
She says she's aware of your efforts.
You ask what else you can do to switch her on.
She looks at you.
You look at her.
You try to make your face look caring and genuine.
You look at her.
She looks at you.
She wants to take a break.
This is difficult for you to process.
You are unable to comprehend the logic behind this decision.
You tell her you are unable to comprehend the logic behind this decision.
She looks at you.
You inquire as to what is wrong.
You inquire as to what you did wrong.
You inquire as to what you can do better.
You inquire as to what you can do to fix whatever you did wrong.
She looks at you.
She does not love you any more.
She says she does not love you any more.
You don't understand.
You tell her you don't understand.
Your eye fluid level fills to maximum.
Your eyes will leak unless you order them to maintain current levels.
You order them to maintain current levels.
The fluid builds up, but remains in reserve.
The fluid in your eyes leaks internally and rusts your throat.
You speak with a rusty throat.
You tell her you're sorry.
She looks at you.
You search for different phrases.
You search in the file labeled “persuasion.”
You tell her you'll do whatever you can to fix yourself.
She says there is nothing you can do.
You do not understand.
There is always something you can do.
You fix things all the time.
You can fix this.
You just need to know what is broken.
You tell her you can fix this.
She says she does not want to fix this.
You search for different phrases.
You search in the file labeled “desperation.”
You use too much processing power.
You are unable to maintain your eye fluid levels.
Your eyes leak.
You tell her that you need her.
You tell her she is everything.
She gets up.
She switches off your Pleasure Music.
She turns the lights to maximum luminosity.
She acquires clothing.
You register a feeling of nudity.
You register a feeling of shame for your exterior.
You are processing too much at one time.
You are unable to determine the best course of action.
You need more time.
You tell her to give you more time.
She says she is finished talking.
You are not finished talking.
You tell her you are not finished talking.
She is 85% covered in external-venturing garments.
She will be ready to venture from interior to exterior in approximately 143 more seconds.
You activate your energy-enhancement reserves.
You accelerate all movements.
You get up.
You run to her.
You grab her and repeat your previous statement.
She looks at you.
There is a lack of emotions present.
You ask why there is a lack of emotional expression created through her face.
She says she feels nothing towards you.
You are angry.
Your anger is fueled by your energy-enhancements.
Your external vocalizations increase in volume.
You state that YOU FEEL NOTHING FOR HER.
You register an acceleration in blood flow.
Your face absorbs extra blood.
Your face shades to red.
You are processing too much.
You must simplify.
You determine it best to state facts.
You state that YOU HAVE TRIED TO MAKE HER HAPPY!
Your vocal projector is not able to handle the stress created by the increased volume level.
Your vocal projector crackles.
Your vocal projector breaks.
You state that YoU trIED To DO EVerYthiNG SHE EVer askED OF yOU!
You state that YOu FIXed yoURSelF WHEnevER she FOUND a FLAw IN yOU!
Her exterior preparedness level is at 100%.
You are out of time.
She tells you goodbye.
She exits from interior to exterior.
She is gone.
You were unable to switch her on.
She was unable to switch on.
She broke you.
You are broken.

To Jon Clinkenbeard

My dearest Jon,

I'm writing this to tell you how much I love you. As I sit here in this 4-star restaurant, I wish you were with me. You'd enjoy the food. The chef is amazing, and I know how particular you are about cuisine. That's one of the things I love about you; your taste in all things delectable. You'll have to excuse my flowing language and verbose vocabulary. I've had quite a bit to drink, and I now fancy myself an eloquent writer. I can never hope to imitate you though. Your words speak to me. You make me laugh, you make me cringe, you make me think. I've never read anyone I've enjoyed as much as you. You have the most fantastic and lovely brain.
I know how bashful you become when complimented. Always a polite “thank you”, though. You're no doubt frowning while you read this, in that peculiar, cute way you do, when you love something so much it seems to frustrate you. I know exactly how you feel. When someone shows you such affection, you feel the equation is out of balance; that you can't possibly deserve such wonderful emotions put into actions and words. That you aren't doing enough to make this person feel the way they've made you feel.
You are doing more than enough. You do deserve them. You deserve everything I can give you and more. You've helped me become the person I am today, and for that, I will be eternally grateful. I love you, now and forever.
I must ask you again to please excuse my clumsy words. There is little I can do to convey how deeply my affections run. Scores of love letters, photographs, documents, and gifts to little to capture the essence of the devotion I have for you. For us.
Regardless of what happens, I fully intend to be with you on your deathbed. You are my soulmate. No one will ever know me as well as you do. No one will ever understand my heart and my mind the way you do. To your last breath, I will comfort you to the very best of my ability, and I will always strive to make you as happy as you've made me.

Looking forward to our eternity together, my truest love-
-Jon Clinkenbeard
XOXOXOXO

Man Still Impersonating Twilight Character

AUSTIN, TX- It's 10:30 PM and Jeremy Beechcomb is leaning on a tree in the slightly wooded area across the street from Austin Public High School. He will very soon shift which leg he’s standing on and continue to make pout-faces for the next four and a half hours. He’s had the same nightly ritual for months now, beginning on November 12th, which he refers to as “The Day After Twilight Released In Theaters.”

“I show up every night because it’s going to happen. I’m going to fall in love with a high school girl who wants to have more dark mystery in her life, and this is the only way for me to do it. It’s like destiny. Like if I’ve already been alive for a hundred years or so and now it’s time to finally settle down, or at least fool around behind one of these trees,” Jeremy states sulkily.

For months now, Mr. Beechcomb, 32, has been showing up to the same general area each night at 9pm and staying until 3am. When asked what he does to pass the time, Mr. Beechcomb replies “Brood and wait. Mostly brood, though.” When pressed for specifics, Mr Beechcomb replies that his brooding is “angst-ridden, but confident.”

He adds: “I have a lot of inner pain, so I can relate to high-schoolers, but I can also help them with their troubles, because I’m older and wiser. Like a vampire. Like Edward, who is a vampire.”

Mr. Beechcomb is referring to one of the main characters in the novel, and subsequent movie “Twilight.” The storyline in the book and movie highlights a romantic relationship between a human female named Isabella or “Bella” and a vampire named Edward, whom Mr. Beechcomb impersonates on a nightly basis.

“I got everything just right. Every article of clothing I’m wearing was stolen from the actual wardrobe by a good friend of mine who was a grip for the movie. It’s 100% authentic,” Mr. Beechcomb states proudly.

In a house a few blocks north we visited the Hastips, among the family, Allison Hastip, who attends Austin Public High School. Upon being asked to “please leave” because “it’s 10:30 at night” by Allison’s mother Susan Hastip; Allison made a shifty eye movement to us, indicating her agreement to meet behind the house in ten minutes.

“Yeah, all the girls at school know about him. Twilight was ok, I guess, but Jeremy’s just some creepy loser who puts shiny stuff on his skin and is like an obsessive stalker or whatever. And twilight came out months ago. It’s absolutely NOT cool now,” Allison reports factually.

When asked about his shimmery skin, Jeremy replies “I put on a special paste that I make myself. It’s a secret combination of eggs, sugar, and glass.”

It’s unclear what will result from Jeremy’s efforts in the following months, but in the extremely short term, he will most likely be picked up the authorities, as it appears that someone has given his name to Allison’s mother, who had this to say to us: “Get out of my backyard and away from my daughter! I’m calling the Police! What’s your name you creep!?”