Double Babies!

Ok. So you know how Mary Kate and Ashley, the Olsen twins, were like THE hottest thing of the late nineties? Right? Well what are they doing now? Nothing. Ok fashion, but that's not where the money is, right? Haha! Right. No. It's in movies. Olsen Twin movies. But we can't just see them now that they're all grown up and plastic surgery face. Blech. Who wants to see that? I don't. I want to see money. Mary Kate and Ashley money. BIG NINETIES COCAINE MONEY. Ok!? Right? But how...?

Double Babies!
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are BACK! And they're Double Twouble! (“Double” because there's two of them and they're twins, “Twouble” because it's an adorable take on “trouble” and it rhymes and because you'll see why it makes sense in a minute...).
That's the tagline, now here's the logline: they're secret double-agent babies.
You know how the Bourne Identity is like spy vs spy vs double-spy? Yeah. That plus Mary Kate and Ashley.
(remember how I said the “twouble” would make sense? Eh? Because secret double agents are trouble. Yeah.)

And here's the best part: guys, I didn't even come up with this. Mary Kate and Ashley did. They sent me an email. We're friends. So we had lunch and they said they wanted to move back into acting, maybe become the new Angelina Jolies or Kathy Lee Giffords.
I said “Whoa, whoa, whoa, tweedledee (that's what I call Mary Kate. It's a twins joke.). You guys aren't old enough for action. BUT...”
Then I was quiet for a minute because I was thinking. I was thinking about money.
“Ok Minnesota baseballers (it's another twins thing I call them), here's what I figured out just now: people love the old yous. They hate this new, fashioney, plastic surgery thing you're doing.”
The girls were quiet for a minute (they're good listeners).
Then one of them said “But-.”
And I said “NO BUTS Tweedledum! (that's what I call Ashley) Here's how it's gonna happen: CGI. Voice-Over. We're going to take you back to the height of your fame, before you started this horrible downward spiral.”

Well. They loved it. Look Who's Talking meets James Bond!
How could anyone resist that? They weren't able to. And audiences won't be able to, also. And the best part is, we already have a built-in fanbase with the old fans who aren't children anymore. But there are new children who don't know the magic of Mary Kate and Ashley. They've only recently been born!
So we do a Smurfs 3D Part 2 tie-in. Easy. Children love smurfs.
We name two of the Smurfs Mary Kate Smurf and Ashley Smurf. And they're TWIN smurfs. This is important because the Olsen twins are twins. So we need audiences to know that.
Now there's a secret double-bonus that I don't have to tell you, but I will (“double,” ha!).
I didn't tell the girls this because we're friends, but they are pretty bad at acting.
You know that. I know that.
BUT a lot of horrible actors can still be good VOICE actors! So that solves THAT problem. Also, the Smurfs 3D Part 2 tie-in will give them a chance to practice their voices before their big re-debut!

As for the rest of the movie, I think we've got it pretty much covered. It's a CGI animation hero story, only with twins who are spies, but since they're double-spies, they don't know if they can trust each other, which is tension and story. For the main antagonist...
You sure you want me to spoil it? Ok, well it SEEMS the whole movie like it's Evil Marky Mark, the president of the Evil United States (The United States is evil in the FUTURE, so it's sci-fi too), but then really, the bad guy turns out to be Ashley! Ashley Olsen! No, wait. Mary Kate! Mary Kate Olsen! Because she really wasn't a secret double-agent, she was just an evil single agent all along.

Anyway, the script is being written by Howie Mandel and it's riveting. Audiences are gonna love it. I say we either do Thanksgiving weekend, or we make them Christmas double agents and turn it into holiday season material. Maybe the bad guys can be Jewish or something so we can grab the Hanukkah crowd. Howie's Jewish. I'll pitch that idea to him and see what he thinks.

Paratrooper Babies, Starring Bruce Willis and Samuel L Jackson

Ok, so in the opening scene, there’s a mom who’s holding the baby. I dunno someone really old and motherly like Sarah Jessica Parker.
We zoom in on the baby.
All of a sudden, holy shit, he injects a tiny syringe into his mom’s shoulder (the audience is like “what the hell? Babies don’t typically do that!”).
The mother says “I’m tired,” and the baby makes this smirk-face, because he injected her with knock-out juice.
She lies on the couch, and as soon as she’s out cold, he gets up and pulls a watch and high-tech goggles out of his diaper (audience is like “whaaaaa?”).
The baby puts the high-tech watch and goggles on (note: babies aren’t good at stuff like this, so we’ll have to CGI the babies, or have an animal trainer teach several baby-clones how to do things on cue or something).
He speaks into the watch, and holy krap, it’s Bruce Willis (the audience is like “this baby must be a badass Die Hard baby”) and he’s like “Squad 8, what’s your status?”

So squad 8 is like “Operation put mommies to sleep is complete.”
And Bruce Willis-baby is like “Then it’s go-time. Move, move, move!”
And there’s all this action as the Bruce-Willis baby CGI-runs (because babies don’t run the way Bruce Willis runs) through the house, and straps on all his high-tech gear (including a jetpack! Audiences LOVE jetpacks).
He heads out the back door, and the neighbour’s CGI dog is all like foam-mouth-city and he’s gonna bite Bruce Willis-baby, but Bruce Willis-baby pulls this HUUUUUGE steak out of his diaper (it was too big to be in there! Hahaha!) and throws it at the CGI dog.
The dog’s all happy (the dog needs to make a good happy smirk-face) and Bruce Willis-baby pulls his flight goggles down over his eyes as we zoom in to see how cool he is. Then BLAMMO-WHAMMO his jetpack blasts off and he’s flying into the sky (we should have a shot where his mouth is getting pulled back because of the wind while he’s flying so fast. People love that).

He flies into this secret satellite and it’s full of babies! (families will love this movie!)
The leader of the babies turns around and is like “it’s about time!” and it’s totally Samuel L Jackson-baby! (note: the faces should look like the actors. We can probably train babies to hold their faces certain ways, or just CGI over them)
And Bruce Willis baby is like “don’t hassle me” or something cool, and Samuel L Jackson-baby is like “enough! It’s time for the mission. The secret mission that we’ve been working on for 50 years” (audiences will be like “those babies can’t be 50 years old, can they? Is this a sci-fi movie? Because it rocks!”).

And so John Cleese-baby pulls up a badass holographic display of earth and the whitehouse and stuff, and he’s like “gentlemen, it’s time to destroy the aliens” (audiences will be like “this it TOTALLY a sci-fi movie! I knew it! AWESOME!!!).

And it turns out that all the adults are actually aliens! And it’s this whole mind-fuck conspiracy scam with aliens trying to take over the government for the past 50 years (note: the babies are still human babies. We don’t really have to explain the whole 50-year-old babies or how they figured this all out or anything).

So then Samuel L Jackson-baby is about to say “Lock and Load,” but Bruce Willis-Baby interrupts him and says “Yippee Ki-yay Paratrooper Babies” (note: this is his famous line from Die Hard, only altered to fit our movie. Audiences LOVE when he says this. Trust me!) and Samuel L Jackson-baby gives him this look like “I’m pissed that you interrupted me, but you’re still awesome for saying your catchphrase and go get ‘em tiger.” (we have to make sure all of this is conveyed in his look. Again, there’s a Russian animal trainer I know who’s really good and can probably train babies to look this way into the camera. You guys should have lunch and work out the details.)

Then all the babies load up into these ejector pods and launch all badass down to the planet.
But the alien-adults knew that they would be doing this, so they’re like “Fire!” and it’s totally an all-out war with the alien-adults and the human-babies with fire and explosions and plasma guns and rockets and lasers and robots and all like pew-pew-pew-Kabooooom!!!!
(this battle should last at least an hour and be really fucking awesome or ELSE!)
Then the battle is over and the smoke is all everywhere like fog and Bruce Willis-baby finds Samuel L Jackson-baby lying on the ground, and he’s wounded (audience is like “that’s even MORE sad because he’s a baby!!! I’m going to cry! I’m crying!”).

So Samuel L Jackson-baby is all like coughing blood everywhere and Bruce Willis-baby is like “I’ll take care of your mother for you” (Tragic Irony!).
So then Bruce Willis-baby turns to the other babies and they’re like “all the aliens are dead” and he gives this rousing speech about how they’ve made sacrifices, but they’ve done a good thing and now they can just go back to being normal babies

Then Bruce Willis-baby goes back home, and the dog who was barking at him from before kneels before him instead (Dogs have a heightened sense, so it would make sense that they know he did a good thing and killed a bunch of aliens).

Then he puts all his equipment up in its secret compartments and when it’s all hidden, he crawls back onto his mom on the couch.
She wakes up and she’s like “oh, I must have dozed off. I hope I didn’t miss anything exciting” and Bruce Willis-baby winks at the camera and we roll the credits on a job well-done!!! (Also, I think we should get a tie-in with Burger King and Mattel to do some promotions and make toys and stuff. Kids LOVE toys. Trust me on this. Especially from movies!!!)

Remake Buster Keaton's The General, Starring Vince Vaughn

So I was thinking recently about how many silent movies there are.

It seems like the only thing that could make them better would be to go back and add sound!

They go back and colour old black and white movies to make them look cooler, so why haven’t they dubbed over silent movies yet?

I know! It’s CRAZY!!!

I think there must be some kind of technology preventing us from doing that, so I came up with a solution that will do those crusty old movies justice: remake them!!!

I think we should start with Buster Keaton’s The General.

And who better to play Buster Keaton than Vince Vaughn?!

So here’s my badass treatment for:

Buster Keaton’s The General: Sultan’s Shindig

Ok, so Vince Vaughn is Buster Keaton and plays this general. But the Civil War was too long ago, and most people don’t know it happened anymore, so he’s a general in the Iraq war against terrorists, because people relate to that now and it’s in the news.

So he’s like all depressed and stuff because he was dating this girl in the army, only he has to keep it a secret, because that shit is TOTALLY illegal. He has like hidden pictures of her in his boots that he looks at sometimes, and the audience is like “That’s so sad.”

(chicks dig heart-string movies, so we can show some of this in the trailer and BAM, women will totally flock to this movie like ants on rice!)

So we see that he’s like a drunkard and stuff, and his best friend, who is also a general and also Owen Wilson is like “dude, she’s dead. You gotta get over it.” And Vince Vaughn is like “how?” And then we’re totally going to see how.

Owen Wilson secretly makes plans and takes him on this secret best friend cheer up bachelor party mission into this secret city that’s called the Sultan’s Sin City, and it’s like all talked about in the military base and forbidden to go to and stuff.

Anyway, they get there and you’d better hang onto your pork pie hat buster, because here comes the comedy pie! First, there’s this girl, who’s really pretty, and the best friend, still played by Owen Wilson, convinces the Sultan who owns the bar to make her give Vince Vaughn a lapdance for free. So Owen goes to Vince and he’s like “I’ve got a surprise for you.” And Vince looks at the pretty girl, and she looks back, and then she steps aside, and there’s this huge fat ugly Iraq stripper girl just behind who smiles at him. The music “My Humps” by Gwen Stefani plays and Owen and Vince are all like stutter-city, and she runs over and jumps on Vince Vaughn’s lap, which breaks the chair he’s sitting in (the audience will totally laugh at this so hard because she’s fat and she broke a chair AND she’s trying to be sexy!)

Then the air raid sirens go off and the army is all like storming the city, and Owen Wilson and all the other guys bail, but Vince Vaughn is stuck under the fat stripper (remember, from earlier?! Hilarious!)

So then the army all comes in, and the stripper has fallen asleep because she’s used up too much energy squirming around, and Vince Vaughn hides under her (Ironic!).

Then the army leaves and he’s like “oh my god, I’m stuck here,” and he wedges himself out from under the fat stripper with the help of A TALKING MONKEY!!! (important note: real monkeys can’t talk, so we’ll have to call in the CGI team or something)

And the monkey takes him all through the city and it’s weird, because this monkey is really smart (Ironic because monkeys AREN’T smart!).

There’s this awesome montage of them getting into all kinds of hilarious buddy pranks like spray painting things and egging Iraq houses (Go America!) and throwing firecrackers ( which freak people out because firecrackers sound like guns, so it’s a good prank).

Then Vince Vaughn is like “Bananas McGee (the full name of the monkey) we’re wasting time! I have a job to do for my country.”

And we see a flashback to his girlfriend talking to him about what it means to be an American and stuff (It doesn’t matter what she says, but we should be sure it’s really sad and romantic and stuff so women will be like “I relate to her so much”).

Then Vince Vaughn and the monkey decide to sneak into the Sultan’s palace, but to do so, Vince has to dress up like an Iraq girl stripper, and the best scene in the movie happens:

Vince Vaughn has to dance for the Sultan, and the CGI monkey is like totally there dancing too (hilarious!), and the Sultan is enjoying it because he doesn’t know he’s not supposed to! (Americans will be like “Go America!!!” at this point)

Then Vince Vaughn dances his way sexily into the secret control room behind the Sultan’s chair and the Sultan passes out or something and Vince Vaughn is like “Oh my God! There are so many nukes!!!” (The audience will be like “oh no!”)

So Vince Vaughn calls in the army, and they come save the day like a swat team, and then Owen Wilson sees Vince Vaughn in his lady girl dress and he’s like “enjoying yourself?” and Vince talks really fastly about how he wasn’t enjoying himself and it was for America (you know the way Vince Vaughn talks really fast? Like that. That’s why we have to get him for this movie, because of this part!)

Then the monkey gives Owen Wilson a wedgie and the music kicks in, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” as the credits roll.

The Birds, Starring Rob Zombie

Ok.

I just saw the birds recently.

Why hasn’t anyone remade this yet???

Ok, picture this: rob zombie is putting on a concert.

Then birds start attacking, and the crowd is all scream-city and the audience is like “why are those birds attacking?”

And then rob zombie is like “follow me.”

And this cute girl, and her geeky little brother are all like “I guess we have no choice.” So they follow him into the secret concert-tunnel.

And he has a candle and he’s like “I’ve dealt with this before.”

And the geeky kid’s like “whatever.”

And rob zombie hits him up against the wall and he’s like “you think this is a game?”

And the kid’s like krap-his-pants-city.

So the girl says “what do we do now?”

And rob zombie cocks his shotgun and says “we pray,” but really he has a plan in mind that we will see later.

So the birds are all like pecking people’s eyes one minute and all chillaxin on the rooftops the next minute.

So people don’t know whether to freak out or not, so they freak out and some guy’s like a hero or something and he’s like “everyone be cool.”

And then he walks outside to test the birds, but it was totally a trap and they’re all like peck-city on his face.

Then rob zombie shows up, and people are like “mr. zombie, what do we do?”

And he’s like “we have to set off the bomb.”

The audience at this point is like “(gasp) what next?!”

So he tells them about this secret bomb that was put in place by an ancient civilization a long time ago in the past, 

and the girl’s like “how will we get to the lost city of the birds in Cairo?” 

(Cairo’s a real ancient city of the dead in Egypt with pyramids and shit, so people will be like “I’ve heard of that place. This is a good movie.”)

And the geeky kid brother suddenly remembers that he knows all about the ancient Romans, so he offers to take them there.

They take a boat, and have to use an anti-aircraft laser gun that they stole off a battleship in order to take out the birds who are attacking them on the way.

So they get to Cairo and everything seems real chillax, until they see this big swarm of birds in the sky like a thundercloud, 

and the laser gun jams and the birds swoop down like they’re going to attack, but then instead, they form up into one giant werewolf-bird, 

who swipes at them with his claws, which are made of bird beaks.

And rob zombie’s like “get outta here!” to the other two, and the girl kisses him. French-style.

Then she runs off and rob zombie has to shake his head a bit because it was such a good kiss, and he pulls out his axe, which turns out to be a real axe too!

The werewolf-bird hits him a lot and he’s really beat up, but then when rob zombie is all on the ground and he’s like totally toast that’s done for, 

we hear his song “more human than human” play and he turns to the werewolf-bird and his eyes are all lit up and blue 

and the audience is like “holy sh*t, what the F*ck, this is so awesome! I’m gonna tell everyone to come see this movie!”

So the big werewolf-bird swipes for a finishing blow, but rob zombie catches the bird-beak-paw in his hand and says “I don’t think so.”

And then he axes the head of the thing and it flies into a million birds, and they all explode red guts everywhere like rain.

Then he gets the other two and the girl’s like “what was that?” and he’s like “it’s a long story” and they go to the secret underground bird mummy tomb.

They make their way through a series of traps and the geeky kid almost eats it a couple of times, 

but then they get to this big wall with hiero-hero-hiro- with ancient Egyptian picture-words all over it, and the geeky kid’s like “I can read this.”

And he reads it and as he says things, a button comes out from the wall, that just looked like the eye of a cat before 

and rob zombie presses it and there’s this red shockwave that goes around the world, and we see everyone in a montage like “whoa.”

Then all the birds in the world are dead.

We see rob zombie and the girl making out, and we fade to a nest with three eggs in it, and one of the eggs starts moving a little, 

and then it cracks a little and the audience is like “oh no a baby bird! I’m seeing the sequel so HARD!” And then rob-zombie-music-credits!

 

(a tribute to Erik Blevins/Patton Oswalt)