I Didn't Like Coffee Until It Gave Me Superpowers

Once upon a time, I didn't like coffee. I liked the smell ok, and even the texture. The taste wasn't very good, however, and the caffeine made me ill.
Recently I have discovered that the illness my body experienced was not normal nausea caused by everyday stomach wear and tear; it was my body adjusting to a metamorphosis.
The first time I sipped coffee, something was set in motion.
A metaphorical graduated cylinder was created inside me, with a range of numbers from “No Coffee” at the bottom to “Superpowers” at the top.
I did not know this at the time.
In fact, it took several years for this graduated cylinder to fill up, and each time I added to it, I was sicker. Sicker from the changes coming closer and closer to overtaking my body.

ENTER: July 29th, 2010. I was at a little coffee shop reading a book and not buying coffee, as usual.
Then.
I started falling asleep.
But it gets even better!
BECAUSE I was falling asleep, I decided to order a coffee.
And not a large coffee, either.
A single shot of espresso, the smallest amount of coffee you can legally buy.
I had a sip. Bitter.
My body began to wake back up. I was satisfied. BUT NO. That was not all!
My mind started racing!
After so many years, I had finally filled this metaphorical inner graduated cylinder all the way to the top, and like the “applause” light in a live studio, the “Superpowers” light blinked on.
Oh, people.
I put down my book for a second to think all the thoughts I was thinking, when I realized time had stopped. No one moved. I stared at a fly, not two feet from my head, and I saw that his wings were very very slowly moving. Time HADN'T stopped! I had increased my reactions to superhuman speed. Like one of those superheroes with superhuman speed. The Blast.
I spent at least twenty relative minutes debating whether or not to enjoy the fruits of my new abilities by groping a few women on the premises. I will not tell you my decision, but I will say it was very tough to decide what I finally decided.
I then tested the physics of my new situation, and let me tell you, Force does INDEED equal Mass times Acceleration.
I was able to lift cars as if they were pillows made of dough. French lightweight flaky dough, not Italian heavy chunk dough.
My shoes demolished themselves within a few relative minutes as well. Gooey rubber puddle footprints marked the inside and outside of the small coffee shop, chronicling my travels.
I then noticed that the low bass note I had been hearing was none other than the thoughts of the people around me, playing in extremely extremely slow motion.
Then I went to the restroom and BLAMMO! Everything was back to normal speed. My reactions had slowed back down.
I will continue further testing of the activation and implementation of these new superpowers.
I hope they aren't going to be coffee based forever, because I really don't like coffee that much.

Update:
I have spent several months in testing.
I have discovered that coffee is indeed the impetus for new powers revealing themselves. Also, after every time I use the powers, I throw up a bit and have to drink extra coffee next time to make up for it. Ultimately this is not a good long-term strategy, since I lose more coffee every time and therefore, must drink more for each subsequent episode. This is especially bad news considering how much I don't like coffee in the first place, regardless of the respect I have for the superpowers it has given me.

Update 2:
I am not able to stomach the amount of coffee I need to activate my superpowers. However, I have had a good run of helping people, including myself, to a better life through mostly legal means. I have also had superpowered sex, which is NOT great unless the other person ALSO has superpowers. I don't see how Greatman and Arachnidman do it with their normal girlfriends/wives. Fortunately I have found a few women with superpowers. In those cases, it is very similar to normal sex. I've given up on coffee. It makes me sick with no rewards.

Update 3:
Drugs ALSO give me superpowers!
I found this out after a friend gave me some at a party.
I will execute further testing to see how high my tolerance is, what superpowers they give me, and what sex is like.
Take that, coffee.

A Letter to the Hunched Pines Retirement Community Administration

To Whom It May Concern,

I have taken about as much as I can stand here. I have tried my hardest to keep the peace and pretend that everything is fine, but let me assure you, everything is NOT fine. I am NOT enjoying my stay at Hunched Pines Retirement Community.
The food is horrible, the televisions are mostly black and white, and the soda machines cost 75 cents!!! Who ever heard of a Coca-Cola that cost 75 cents!? It’s highway robbery!
I’d also like to point attention to nurse Dove. She has been refusing my advances lately. If she’s not interested in me, she should keep her hands to herself, and dress like she has a husband, if indeed she has one, which I do not think that she does. And if she is interested in me, like I think she is, then she needs to stop refusing my caresses and kisses. I think you should address this with her. Or fire her to let her know you’re serious, and then rehire her.
I am tired of hearing people die also. It is not a pleasant sound, let me tell you. Apparently however, your faculty treats the sounds of the elderly passing away like it’s the best Benny Goodman concert they ever did hear.
I think something is strange about that Derek fellow. He always gives people the most horrible smile. Especially he can hear someone in the building who is dying. He looks like a snake. Also, I think he’s after nurse Dove, who has the hots for me, if I’m not mistaken. So I also hate him because of that. Also, he’s a snake.
My most important point is about sex. I know how much you hate hearing your elders talk about sex, but believe me; it’s as natural as a flower that’s nearly withered away. How am I ever going to convince nurse Dove to go steady with me, if we’re always forced to keep our doors open? If we don’t get intimate soon, I’m afraid she might lose interest. I might lose interest too. Well, probably not. She’s lovely and reminds me of my dead wife Helen. I’ve told her this on several occasions before sliding my hand over her bosom or thigh, but usually she slaps it. You need to have a word with her about that.
And another thing, I can’t believe how much a Coca-Cola costs! 75 cents per bottle?? Who ever heard of such a thing?! And also, you need to be SURE to get the Coca-Cola bottles. I think some of those bottles might be cans! You’re probably getting the raw end of the stick from your soda guy. Get that fixed, and also don’t forget to talk to nurse Dove.

-Sincerely,
Elmer Winkle