You're stupid. You've admitted it, and now you're seeking help. I want to congratulate you! That's the first step towards making your stupid life better.
First thing's first though; you are stupid and will be forever. This book will not change that. This book will however, mask your stupidity from the rest of the world and may lead to promotions, dating, new job opportunities, more friends, and definitely more confidence!
It's not easy to fool people when you're stupid. Especially people who aren't stupid. Let's call this type of people “Smart” people, shall we? Smart people are very quick to pick up on the fact that you're stupid. You've got to be perfect from the beginning around them, or else they will see you as a sheep in wolf's clothing. That's an example of a “smart” idea: a truncated and intentionally-reversed extended metaphor using the structure of a simile. You scoffed at things like this in school, but metaphors, similes, and other clever literary devices are a fundamental part of smart people conversation. Similes and metaphors are discussed in detail later in this book, so we won't worry about them now.
Instead, what we'll focus on now is the face you made after reading that sentence about the wolf and the sheep. You scrunched your nose tightly and rolled your eyes around in the hopes that your brain would explain why I was talking about animals. If you are smarter, but still stupid, you waited to make the face until I started talking about all that simile and metaphor stuff. This frowny-eye-rolling is a common face that stupid people make when presented with something that bores them or something they don't understand. This book is about fixing stupid habits just like that face!
Most of the stupid habits you have are based on your stupid instincts. Right now, I want you to close your mouth, and breathe through your nose. TRUST ME, you won't suffocate! Go ahead and try it. You see? Now you know you can trust me.
It's not necessary to understand WHY I want you to do the things I want you to do. The important thing is that you DO them and practice them, over and over, for the rest of your life. Most of these things will be difficult. Breathing through your nose alone will take years for you to master. You currently breathe through your mouth because the “instinct” part of your brain is looking out for your survival. This is because the cognitive or “thinking” part of your brain isn't capable of making good decisions. Stupid people like yourself are prone to doing things directly opposed to your own survival. For instance, I'm sure you've found yourself at one time or another in a single-person competition for stuffing the most miniature marshmallows into your nose to see how many will fit. Since this is literally smothering yourself for no reason, your brain makes you breathe out of your mouth, since it figures you'll live longer that way.
Don't worry! You will still be able to indulge all of your fun, stupid impulses. I'll simply teach you how to save them for “private time”, or “stupid friend hang-out time.” when you're around other people as stupid, or more stupid, than you are. This book is full of helpful, good habits like “stupid friend hang-out time”. However, every habit will take practice to master, so I want you to make a promise with me.
Go ahead and read this out loud: “I promise that I will follow the instructions in this book. I promise that I will practice every day, and that I won't give up, no matter how frustrating it is for my stupid brain. Sincerely, me!”
There. You've just made a promise to both you and I. You said it out loud, so you have to stick to it. It's too late to turn back now, which is wonderful, because you're going to have a great new life! (if you think you and I are the same person, or opposite people from when this introduction began, you're still reading out loud. Please stop reading out loud.)
To create a sense of familiarity, which will subconsciously compel you to finish the rest of the chapters through recognition, despite your short attention span, Just for fun, I'll give you a brief overview of the topics we will cover in-depth during the rest of this guide.
The first half of this book is all about breaking down and hiding the stupid things you do:
Chapter 1 is what you're reading right now.
In chapter 2, I will tell you tricks to keep your stupid life separate from your new smart life. This will be an ongoing process. You will learn to enjoy top 40 music and Michael Bay movies secretly while alone or with a few select stupid friends, instead of loudly and in front of everyone.
In chapter 3, I'll teach you how to shut your mouth before it says the stupid thing you just thought. You'll learn to use silence with making faces to pretend that you're deep in thought.
The second half of this book is all about the tricks you can use to pretend you're smart:
In chapter 4, we'll reread the first half of the book, because you'll have skipped ahead, thinking you didn't need to learn those techniques and “do homework from a stupid book”.
In chapter 5, you get a makeover! As fun as it seems, this will actually be one of the hardest sections of the book, and one of the most important. You will learn to dress in a “nerd costume” for the rest of your life. Calm down! Stop wrinkling your face, stop chewing your lip, quit punching whatever you're punching, and listen up. You know deep down that “nerds” are the very smartest of smart people. The benefit of looking like a nerd is that smart people will assume you are socially awkward instead of stupid and will therefore more readily ignore whenever you slip up and do stupid things.
In chapter 6, I'll discuss using props to appear smart. We will discuss scavenging techniques for smart props, including making habits for success. You'll learn how to search local coffee shops every morning for partially-completed crossword puzzles to spend the rest of the day pretending to fill out. Tips like this will give silent proof of your “smarts” when people might otherwise see through your smart costume.
In chapter 7, I'll help you get into the habit of saying smart things and inventing opinions. It DOESN'T MATTER what your opinions are. The only important thing is to NEVER CHANGE YOUR MIND about your opinions. You'll learn to be condescending about other people's opinions. I'll even teach you phrases to use if you get into hot water with someone such as “I suppose we'll just have to agree to disagree!” You'll also learn to memorize a single generic quote to use at parties and whenever you want to impress someone of the opposite sex.
The third half of this book is all about using your newfound techniques to SECURE your future:
In chapter 8, I'll give you a lie detector test to be sure you've read every chapter thoroughly. If not, i'll remind you that you made a promise to me, and make you go back and read what you skipped.
In chapter 9, I'll teach you about material investments. It's important to invest in “things” and “stuff” that will make you appear smart for the rest of your life: a modestly large house, a slightly above-average car, and many more material things. Your stupid thinking is right in assuming the more things you own, the better; but you have to own the RIGHT KINDS of things! Filling your house with the right long-term props is very important. You'll learn about chess and backgammon boards. You'll check prices on pianos and expensive-looking (but not extravagant!) artwork.
In chapter 10, you'll hire an accountant and do EXACTLY what they tell you do with your money. I'll tell you briefly what a saving account is and why it's better not to run out and spend every paycheck immediately on liquor and clubbing. Even though you won't understand right away why this is bad; when you see how savings and investments lead to MORE liquor, you'll be happy you listened.
In chapter 11, you'll invent a new category of people you can look down on for the rest of your life, like “Liberal Elites” or “Right Wing Fascists”. This is a prime time to hire a writer to write a book with your name on it! Tell everyone you wrote the book. This is key.
In our last chapter, chapter 12, you'll make the most important investment in your future; tricking a beautiful INTELLIGENT person into loving and marrying you. This will be the most difficult thing you will EVER do and it will take all the resources you've built and all the techniques you've learned. You will master keeping your stupid life and your smart life separate by passing off your stupidity once and for all as something else. We will discuss faking Asperger's Syndrome, Social Anxiety Disorder, and the like.
By the end of this book, you will be a new person; a person you've invented. You will be successful beyond belief, and you'll have someone who loves you for the rest of your life.
Does this sound too good to be true? Well guess what? I'M A STUPID JUST LIKE YOU! Or at least, I used to be. But following my own system, I've made a wonderful, explosive new life as a SMART! I'm CEO of my own Fortune 500 company, I have a syndicated talk radio show, I'm married to a supermodel, I live in a mansion in Beverly Hills, and I have three somewhat intelligent children. I'm sure you don't believe me, but it's true. All the “smart” phrases I've used in this book were painfully constructed over several years using a dictionary, a smart writer friend, and the help of my brilliant wife. My system worked for me! IT WILL WORK FOR YOU!!!
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